I had to make a decision the other day: Going to start therapy again with a new therapist. Way too much has gone down since the Deluge. My Transition has been on hold all of this time, and I don’t have a foreseeble time-frame to get it finished.
I’m bitchy, sorrowful, tired, cooped up in this tiny rental and I need to get back in touch with myself. My nerves are shot to Hell. The only things keeping me semi-sane are Betts, Candice and friends here in town. I was just getting used to the new me when the Thing hit (I had been on hormones for two years by then.), and then our world flooded out.
It was about a year ago, sitting in Houston and hearing my aunt tell me the truth about my life, that I think things really changed for me. I didn’t pay much attention then. We were trying to put together a temp home in Houston when Rita forced us to run for SoCal. I never got to actually find my little inner space in which to get a handle on this info. I had already figured out that I was most probably Intersexed and not Trans back in 2004, but being told about the operations performed on me, and the decision made to turn this little infant into a boy struck a major anger chord within me. It was like being told I was adopted almost fifty years after the fact. Unfortunately, events of the last year seemed to have drowned it out.
So I’m going back into therapy to work this latest snag in life out. Living post-Deluge is rough enough without having to carry all this baggage around. I’m a pain in the tush when it comes to really saying what I feel towards my past life. Lynn is going to have a time pulling this crap out. *rolls eyes* Maybe it will be easy… so many buried memories have been coming back to me from childhood and I now understand more of the reasons how my parents treated me, protecting me from a world that can be cruel to that which is unusual. They gave me all of the basics and love that managed to carry me through life, and the courage to accept my personal reality and and change my existence when it was time for it.
I just wish I had my folks around now to hug and say Thank You, and then I’ll start bitching about the fact that they couldn’t bring themselves to tell me the truth. I’ll rant for a time and then it will be gone from me and them we will hug again and get to play it straight with each other. Right now I just need to get myself straightened out.
