Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

October 6, 2012

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:40 pm

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?


The girl was entombed in 1992 when I got married.  It was in my mind that having a wife would “cure” me. Still I had to try it. Should’ve known better considering how much I had studied the subject. After nine years of marriage I was starting to see myself becoming an empty shell again.  Attention to all things in Life was waning.


I had bought a computer in ’98 and enjoyed playing around with the immense Web. There were various sites and chats that I would participate in. The Trans chats were special times for me and I enjoyed reading thoughts and plans of others in their Transitions and the hopes of others who really wanted to start their own changes.


Giving up my Transition plans in the ‘80s I saw as fear of losing my job, but it was more than that. Here were folks that overcame the fears and went forward with their lives. They moved their spirits in the direction of finding themselves as being who they were meant to be. I had yet to have the epiphany that the only way I could be whole required me to walk the Path.


One August afternoon in 2001, I was sitting on the bed thinking about things. The next moment I had our shotgun in my lap.  My thoughts were all over the landscape. Staring at the gun was almost hypnotic. It was the center of everything at that moment. I was crumbling right then. It was time to give up. No more pain please.


Then a feminine voice sounded all through the apartment; “You have much more to do”.


I removed the shells and put it all away. I sat there for a time trying to sort this out and then grabbed the phone. My call was to my therapist. She asked if things were okay and I said, “Remember the girl thing?” She said yes, and I told her, “I think she just handed me the shotgun.”


“Are you okay?” I told her yes. “What do you want to do?” I told her that I needed to have a resolution on this from a psychologist. “Is tomorrow okay?”


“I’ll be there Darlin’.”


The evening found me quiet and thoughtful. I saw myself walking on a narrow ledge high up on a mountain. I stumbled a few times and grabbed the cliff face to steady myself. The winds kept pushing me forward along the path. I was heading toward something that would change my life forever. I couldn’t go backwards. The wizard was waiting for me.


Sleep that night was all dreams of me as the girl reliving the adventures and the happiness I felt then. I saw all the places both of us had gone to as one. Nice dinners, movies, music cafes and the nights sharing pizzas in motels. Dancing in strange places and the kinetic thrill of the dance moves was awesome. The cabbies bringing me home and saying “Goodnight Miss.” as I let myself into my various homes. Peace.


I had made several friends in cyber. All were different, but one, Betty Ann Davis became a dear friend. She kept up with me via cell and cyber. We could talk about any and every thing. She was worried when I told her about the shotgun, happy for me going to get my diagnosis and mystified somewhat by the sudden change in me. I told her I was becoming me. That kept her thinking for a long time.


In the morning I made a lunch for my wife at work and told her that I would be running errands later in the day. We didn’t have cell phones yet and it made vanishing easier.  This way I could just focus on the task I set myself the day before.


I was nervous getting ready for my appointment. This isn’t a mental disorder, or is it? Maybe my psych wouldn’t like what I was becoming.  Am I heading to a psych ward?


No. I knew too much concerning the subject. In San Francisco my old therapist said she was pretty sure about me, but I never returned to get a proper diagnosis because I chickened out. I wouldn’t run from this. Not this time. Running away led to death. Accepting what was coming was Life.


Since I had four hours to go before my appointment I decided to take a nap. I fell asleep right away. I thought I heard Chelsea calling me as I drifted off.


Then she appeared to me and said it was time. She was smiling brightly. I asked her what she meant by that.


Chelsea then told me in a quiet voice that this was the proper thing to do. She was being gentle with me. In her hands I had no choice. And I was under her control. She said that she needed healing too. I had a fear that I would vanish. She said, “There is nothing to fear Honey.” as I saw her hands reaching for mine.


Yes, Chelsea had escaped the tomb to save me and had me now. Everything then fell into place: she was me. Not another persona, I was her from now on.She was always me, and that thought pleased me. I couldn’t think about how part of me was, in a sense, separated from me for so long. What had caused the split? I no longer saw us as separate.


Everything she had ever said about this singular point in time was happening to me. I saw how I had been caught the first time I answered her voice. I spent so much time being with her I could barely separate us in my thoughts any more. She stood there smiling in victory. “We started together and we will continue as one from now on.” Slowly she dissolved in my mind’s eye and resurfaced in me. I was crying with joy as my two parts became one. My being was born again whole. I uttered a small prayer of thanks to the Lady.


I decided to use my cyber name as my own: Morwen, the Dark Maiden. Morwen was Chelsea and me grown up. We had gone through good and bad together. In a way we had pulled each other’s tushes out of the fire many times. Morwen was both of us fused back into one person. It was a completion. Both of us were getting our wishes.


Yes, I had my epiphany. “Warp Ten Mr. Sulu.”


My psychologist turned out to be a nice man, a little shorter and younger than me. We discussed the matter at hand and came to a deal: I come in for a few days in order to take tests, and he would do homework to better understand the subject. We shook hands on it and I started on a test.


This went on for four days. We had some long talks about things and about me. I had to dig into my life to answer truthfully. My adventures kept him laughing. With some tales he remarked that that was a dangerous move. I responded with “I had to do something.”


On the fifth day he handed me my diagnosis. Everything was normal except he wrote that I had a tendency to self-medicate. (Big surprise, yeah right.) The last statement said that “Patient meets the standard of the DSM as a transsexual, barring Intersex conditions”.


I was right. A huge sigh confirmed to him that I was okay with this. I thanked him and then stopped by my therapist’s office. She was happy and then asked me how I was going to move forward. That was going to be hard. I had to tell my wife first thing. Being honest with my wife was important, and then I will take my steps forward. She agreed.


After a nice dinner I told my wife about the tests and then handed her the diagnosis. As she read it her frown grew larger. I said that we can talk about it and I wasn’t going to do anything just yet. She stayed quiet and away from me the rest of the evening.  I was sad about all of this, but she had to come to grips with it. Those pages set me on an even keel in Life. Unfortunately she saw it as upsetting our applecart, which was true.


The next week was quiet and we pretty much stayed to ourselves. It hurt that my finding the peace I sought for years was hurtful to another. I would still be myself, but in a different wrapper. Leaving her was not in my plan.


Then one night she came to me in a real determined mood. She announced she had filed for divorce two days after my announcement. She told me her attorney told her she had to tell me because I was going to get a subpoena from the court. I asked her what were the terms and she said that it was irreconcilable differences. She took what she came with and I took what was mine. We would split the fruits of our marriage and go our own ways.


“Sounds fair to me Hon. I’m sorry this is too much for you, but I must be real.”


I told her that she didn’t need an attorney for this. She looked sheepish after that comment. She had wasted hundreds of dollars for this.


Then she asked where I was going to go and I said New Orleans. I refuse to spend more time in the Mid-West. I hate it here. The only reason I am here was because of your desires. Now I go where I wish. She just nodded.


The following month saw some heated clashes and then it settled down. I planned a round trip on the “City of New Orleans” to check the place out. It had been many years since I had been there with Chelsea. My wife quit her job. (Bad timing?)


The trip was a blast. My sister picked me up and drove to Mobile where she lived. I met her Hubby and the two nieces… the girls called me Aunt Morwen. They are very special to me for that and their good souls. I felt so welcome there.


I returned to New Orleans and just wandered around. The city had changed and there was another bridge over the Mississippi that I didn’t know about, but I met fellow travelers in various bars and clubs. Yep, I knew I would be fine there. It was time to make arrangements.


BTW- Betty was on the phone with me all through the trip. She was mesmerized by my descriptions of the place and she wanted to live here. I had a good feeling that she would make the move. My cyber friends liked my plans.


I returned to Indiana and started packing. Hard to do when you have several thousand books and many albums. The place started to look like a warehouse. I was also trying to rent a place in New Orleans. Betty helped in telling the property manager that I wanted the house I saw on the Web. No inspection needed.


I set the date; early March right after my birthday.


The movers had my stuff and I rented a SUV. My brother and his son were coming with me and they would return the vehicle. Cats, computer and some clothes came with me. (Betts had sold me an IBM and I gave the other computer to my ex.)


My last direct talk with my ex was next. I told her I still had love for her and that I was so sorry it had come to this. Her response was “They are going to kill you in New Orleans”. I said, watch me.


The drive started in a near blizzard so I let my brother drive. In Kentucky it turned to rain so I took over. Non-stop we rolled south.


I wanted to get to my new place as quickly as I could.


Twenty hours later we were at the house. It was a big old place. We unloaded my stuff and they took off for Mobile. I was home, free and ready to start a new life. I kept hugging myself as I set the computer up. Then I went online and told friends that I was here. Once again there was happiness.


Later that night the girl walked into a Gay-Leather-Levi motorcycle bar. She started shooting pool as if she belonged there. She did of course.

November 20, 2011

The Missing Lights

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,My Community,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:25 am

For many years I have referred to those of our little tribe as Magic Workers, those who find the Truth buried inside their souls and strive mightily to understand and then bring into the Light of Reality their shining , living flame: their Truth and Life. Many I have known with varied levels of closeness and others I never had the pleasure to be able to, but all of them are as a collection of living and flowing energies that I see through my eyes. I am always proud to say that I consider it an honor to be a member of such an amazing collection of Spirits.

And with that said , when one of those flames vanish from my Sight there is always sadness and anger. Sadness for those never known and anger because there are people in this World that hate folks like us so very much for the very fact that we are becoming, or have become, what our Spirits demand: we must BE, for Being is the fulfillment of Living.

Those flames taken from us lessen the power of Life and the Darkness comes closer. Those who are injured burn with less intensity and the Shadows grow larger. And for those who do continue on our own Journeys and experience anger, the anger which creates a fire that rages, may we find a way instead of creating a torch that welcomes and comforts, that helps light the way of the Paths everyone must travel. Humanity needs this Teaching.

For those taken away, may your Journey be swift to the loving Heart of the One. For those who are injured may you find solace and a rekindling within yourselves. For those of us who suffer not these evils may we grow stronger and brighter in order to pierce the shadows and ward off the darkness…

For we are, Sisters and Brothers, a part of Nature’s spectrum of what all can  become, and we shall change hearts and minds and souls. And we will help in creating a New World.

On this Transgender Day of Remembrance may we as a tribe count our hurts and our Blessings, and create that day when hatred of us dies. And may all of us live in Peace.

In the Name of the Great Mother, So Mote It Be.

September 3, 2011

The Storm in My Soul

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,Our House — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:10 am

Tonight a tropical storm is coming in on the Looziana coast just like the storm that has been creeping into my dreams, hopes and soul for many days. The rains and winds are mounting outside just like the questions and doubts from my inner maelstrom: when this over, what is going to become of me? Where will I go and what will be my final end?

I have lived four lives. One was the one of a cherished child who loved learning and having experiences. A life that was run by questions about everything and a desire to learn all of the answers. In many ways it was a charmed life… there were no expectations for me outside of me becoming myself. It was a very wonderful period in this child’s life. I had dreams of doing things that would make things better for all folk. Ideals were my road posts.

Then life started changing when we all get to that certain age: we are no longer children and it is time for us to grow into what we were meant to become. That is when I first started feeling doubt, that insidious thing that enters one and can possibly consume one’s being. I didn’t like it and tried to figure what why this? Why can’t I be or feel like the others? What says that I have to be alone and in a form of exile? I hadn’t even been around long enough in order for me to commit a crime against my self that would result in that punishment. Who can determine that I do not have a place in this World?

For thirty years I had to live with that. I became a person who fit no mold and yet held all of them. A lithe androgyne with long flowing hair and silver jewelry who would walk anywhere and into almost anything being brave and in confidence and also knowing that the fear was real. I paid for taking the middle path: beatings, rape and the constant knowledge that someone like me could be seen only as a negligible side-show of Humanity. I still didn’t “know” me but I was proud of the way I tried to walk the Path.

Then there was an interrum, a nine year period when I attempted to be what I had always been commanded to be and yet could never accept. It really didn’t work. I learned of deep lies and duplicities, committed by both me and my spouse. I learned how to hurt people who cast an odd gaze in my direction. I understood how to hate… all because I stood on the wrong side of the equation.

The end of that existence came to a split second in Time when I realized that my life had been composed of three acts, and none of them were the true play. And at that moment I decided to pull the curtain down on the show a voice sounded: “You have too much to do!”.

That was The Epiphany: The Answer.

These last ten years have been lived as my trueself., with the constant hope of compassion, mindlfuless and kindliness to all who are, or seek to be , themselves. To aid people to be able to realize their Being became most important to me. I am no saint: I’m HUMAN. And yet I serve the goal.

The Goddess provided for me in the person who called herself Betty. We complimented each other and pushed each other. Both of us learned the fact that limits are just limits. And limits of Being are wrong.  So we lived our lives as ourselves and worked to help others find their own way.

We bought property that would become a thing that would continue for us through our days and after we had passed become a haven for people of our tribe: a safe house, learning center and meeting place. The Federal Flood of New Orleans all but destroyed the place. Over five years we got it to about 80% completion and then my Betty took ill and died after a horrible eight months. After her passing I fell down my own rabbit hole of health, despair and grief.

Tonight the storm rages. I am alone and yet have friends. I will never have another person like Betty… pairings such as that are too rare in Heaven or on Earth. There are three options I face: give up our dream, save it or vanish. Give up the dream has merits as does completeing it, but certain things need to fall in place for me to do either. I have taken care of these other things.

What I don’t have is an abundance of time to waste making either of those things happen. Something must come soon to give me that chance. I cannot remain in this rest home… with breathing space I can make either of the first options viable.  I will have the means. I need breathing space. I need flexibility. Betty was both my defender and my champion. Betty saw me as the one who followed the Lady and had to be protected. I no longer have her beside me. A major part of me was wounded with her and perished. It has taken time and thought to think of which Path shall be the better walked. As much as this hurts my pride, I need a Champion.

There are things I have and can do, and others have different skills

And I need to get out of the rest home, or I will not be able to walk any Path.

I need some help. Whether it is survival as a free soul or making the Center truth… anything beats non-existence. The Goddess says there is still much to do.

November 4, 2009

Remember “Maine”

Just fuck me now. Yesterday  the Christa-fux voted to dis-allow Same-Sex Marriage in Maine even though it was approved by the Courts, the Legislature and the Govenor. The recognition of equal rights for all Americans was negated by a bunch of cross-wearing fools that hate lives like the one Betts and I have together. Their “religion” tells them that people like us are evil and do not deserve the Rights of being a couple and living a life together. (Same shit went down in California last year with Prop. 8.)

They have decided that they can have Rights not available to other Americans that they deem unacceptable.  People like me and mine don’t count in America. We are to be discounted as Human Beings. This is wrong.

I’m not a slave to a “burning bush”. I do not believe in a book written by Mid-Easterners from as far back as 3,500 BCE.  I am a well-educated person living in the 21st Century. I’m a scientist, an engineer and a retail manager. I know how to live in the Reality that I’m presented with.

I’m a tax-paying citizen of this country and a Veteran. I don’t over-tax the Social network because I do things on my own. How fucking dare you cross-wearing mooks deny me MY RIGHTS just because you or your holy book don’t agree with my life. (I’m not the one birthing 12 kids when I can’t pay for them)

I gave almost ten years of my life to defend this country and Her ideals. I defended your right to live your life even when I disagreed with your choices. Never, NEVER, would it be in my soul to deny you your desires or beliefs.  “Different strokes for different folks”.  What makes you better than me? What about your life outweighs the life I live? Nothing that I can see.

My life with Betty is one where we work our tushes off to support community and other efforts. We are people that believe that unless you are a criminal, just live your life. Your lives are like ours; choices. How do we differ?

I have a solution to this entire problem- we get rid of all special benefits for married couples. We eliminate all benefits for kids. Hey, we are all just individuals and none of us should get more goodies than another. And let’s get rid of the tax exemption for religious companies?Let’s level the playing field.

Can you see an equitable Future that I see?

So you fucking Christa mooks, take your filthy hands off of our lives. Do not attack us for our ways and we don’t come after you for being Stone-Agers.  Let me and mine live our lives in peace.

Me and mine will eventually have full equality in this land… you may not like it, but FUCK YOU.  We are citizens of the United States.

June 16, 2009

This guy needs a 6inch stilleto up his tush

Filed under: Fuckmooks,Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,My Community — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:38 pm

This is going to be building here at OWL Central. This guy pisses me off. (trouble city) This fuckmook deserves all that will be coming.

March 18, 2009

These Are Members of Our Tribe

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:56 pm

here ya’s go.

March 7, 2009

Dignity of All Life?

Filed under: American Culture,Inter/Trans-Sexed,Social Mores — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:07 pm

Okay, Obama signals that he wishes that embryonic stem cell research can go forward and the religious freaks come out of the woodwork screaming about the “dignity of all Life”.

Where were the “defenders of Human Dignity” back in 1957 when MY person was violated for Societal norms? Did the cross-wearers protest to allow me to live within the constraints of my Nature-given form? Was I even asked if their manipulations to my tiny body was acceptable to what I desired for my life?

The answer is “NO”.

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, called the expected announcement “a deadly executive order” and “a slap in the face to Americans who believe in the dignity of all human life”.

I repeat the question: “Where was the dignity for my Being?”.

The answer is- Morwen, you are a Teritology (monster), and since your Being what you are upsets our apple cart, we will remake you to fit our norms. Our Polar viewpoint of Life is violated by the appearance of such a creature as yourself. You had to be “fixed”, made “correct”.

Sorry Tony, your kind should have killed me when you had the chance. I survived, educated myself and then learned the truth about the horrors your predecessors visited upon my body and soul. I spent 13 years of nightmares every night that related to those “corrective” surgeries. Had to live through decades of a conflict of what my soul felt and the systems that fucks like you wish to perpetuate, all for your bat-shit belief system. Yes you motherfucker, I have been through Hell and back, and I ain’t going to stop now.

I want retribution, but I’m willing to accept an apology and the promise that your kind will no longer block our efforts to improve the lives of people afflicted with conditions that destroy their abilities to live a good life. I know this will never come.

My desire is to also witness the death of that filthy belief system that cast me and so many others into a living Hell. Following the “Word of God” did not give you permission to do what you did to me and mine. Many Humans are as Nature made them, and not even your “God” can contradict Nature.

But I digress… now we come to retribution.

Stem cell research is vital in our efforts to heal the living of so many problems- organ regeneration, nerve damage repair… the elimination of many horrible health disorders, and yet mooks like you decry these efforts in order to claim that your kind are defenders of “Human Dignity”. It’s time for your kind to STFU and vanish from the stage of Life. It’s over, and ya’s lost the war. Get over it.

Now you mis-begotten pieces of protoplasm claim to “defend” life. Yea right fuckmooks, it’s past time for you to truly do so.

Respect Nature’s actions. Honor Her possibilities and the healing of hurts that may come. Stop attempting to be “God”.

Even though your kind wears crosses, you have no control of the vertical or the horizontal. Nature is what it is, and you might stymie Her for a time, but there are those of us who will fight you in this. Humankind will always seek ways to heal and create better lives.

Get the Hell out of our way.

I was tortured so that their skewed vision of Humanity would not be troubled.

I AM trouble.

December 23, 2008

Leave It To Melissa…

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:40 am

For 7 years I have been an advocate for the Transgender community. Personal advice , essays… what-not. My basic tenet is that we must work with other folks and prove ourselves as what we truly are. “To change hearts, minds and souls”. That will be the secret to us being liberated as ourselves.

Now Pastor Rick Warren is to deliver the Inagural Prayer and Melissa Ethridge was to attend the affair. In this essay she got it right. She was also proactive and talked with Pastor Warren and learned some things.

Melissa and her family will attend the Inaguration.

There’s a new world dawning folks, and Melissa gets my thoughts from the above.  (She doesn’t read my Blog) “Changing hearts, minds and souls” Just showing to good folks that we are good and proving ourselves. There is nothing to fear from us.

I won’t mute the Inagural Prayer as I planned. If Warren come close to the LGBT community’s position, I can go closer to his. (I may be a protective bitch, but I don’t like being petty.)

Here’s part of Melissa’s essay-

“Brothers and sisters the choice is ours now. We have the world’s attention. We have the capability to create change, awesome change in this world, but before we change minds we must change hearts. Sure, there are plenty of hateful people who will always hold on to their bigotry like a child to a blanket. But there are also good people out there, Christian and otherwise that are beginning to listen. They don’t hate us, they fear change. Maybe in our anger, as we consider marches and boycotts, perhaps we can consider stretching out our hands. Maybe instead of marching on his church, we can show up en mass and volunteer for one of the many organizations affiliated with his church that work for HIV/AIDS causes all around the world.

Maybe if they get to know us, they wont fear us.

I know, call me a dreamer, but I feel a new era is upon us.”

I too am a dreamer, and Hope always springs eternal.

December 20, 2008

The UN Considers My Tribes As Part of the Human Family

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:50 am

Of course the U.S., the fucking Vatican, China and the Muslim countries opposed this declaration by the United Nations.

Why am I not surprised? The filth of rabid crosswearers (who don’t understand the meanings of their supposed Founder’s words) and the crap of Islam will always be opposed to freedom and equal rights for my tribes.  China is just a given when it comes to individual rights.

My kind- failed mosaics now number 1 in every thousand births. Homosexuals (not just the boys) are probably 1 in every hundred births.  Studies of sealife are showing massive scenarios of hermorphic fish. (This comes from our chemical pollution of the World)  Endocrine disruption in Utero has been rising for decades.

We didn’t ask for this, but we revel in our selves and lives.  We live our lives even with the duress of cultures that can only see male/female, yes/no, black/white… a polar belief system trying to oppress our being.

All of Life is a spectrum. As a scientist I know this to be true. There are many flavors in Physics, and there are many flavors when it comes to Humanity.  My question is what is the right flavor when it comes to Humankind?

The answer is that all flavors work. I don’t give a shit about what people do, as long as it doesn’t harm others.  Sex (which I can never know) is an individual thing. There is no quantifying that which two people experience together.  I have a partner who wraps her arm around me at night and  I snuggle in closer.  We argue and disagree, but really we are on the same page. When shit comes down we hold each other. When she is not with me I get scared… what happens to the two of us is one thing, but to lose my better half is a horror I don’t wish to face.

Where is the lack in Humanity in all of the above? Why are LGBT folks hated? Why are folks like me are demonized?

We are just Human, made as biology made us. We are just like all of the rest of Humanity, but with a twist. We live and love. We are not pediphiles, those kinds are 99% “straight.

Just let us have our rights under the Constitution. You may not like my tribes, but we don’t hurt you. What we are is ordained by Nature and it’s just how we are, and there isn’t any way to change that.

We are good people, and it’s far past time for me and mine to be stop being demonized. And I for one is just the kind that will fight to the death for my tribes’ rights and acceptance.

December 18, 2008

The T in LGBT That Will Not Remain Silent

Filed under: Campaign 2008,Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 7:59 pm

Yeppers, that would be moi.

There’s a current controversy about the minister that Obama has chosen fo his inaugaration as President.

I don’t give two shits about Warren filling this role- I just ignore Evangelicals since most of them are mooks. My heart automatically protects me.

Now, I want Barack Obama to utter the word “Transgendered”.

Is that too much to ask considering us Trans folk almost universally voted for the man?

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