Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

December 8, 2012

There was a dream

Filed under: New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:34 pm

When Betty and I bought our property I had a dream. When we were both gone the place would become a Trans compound. It would be our gift to the sisters and brothers who inspired us to become our trueselves.


Sadly, Betty died early and I am the one who remains. And now, I am looking for a way to be a benefit to our community.


There is the main house which is 2,400 sq ft, and two apartments. There is also a side yard which I want to build a tiny Cottage on for me. The area is very safe and there is tons of parking. (and two garages.)


The main house is tops with the State for energy efficiency. It is also one of the strongest homes around. I know since I designed the rebuild. I can put solar on since I have a special deal. The courtyard needs to be rebuilt, and I will put another hot tub in place. The plantings I hope to have help on.


I’m am doing this because I don’t want what Betty and I spent years working on to go away. I am also looking at this so that I can also be a part of the dream with my tiny house. I want a sanctuary for many of us. This has been my goal for years.


It may mean buying in or just rentals. I have no real thoughts on this. This is a new answer for my dreams, and a safe place for me and others. I want a small safe place for us. I see four couples or four individuals. That is a small step in the right direction.

I will have realized the hope., and still be able to be the bitch I am when it comes to our issues. We are not done yet about our beingness. This girl will work for our selves to the end of her life.


That is my sworn promise.


Just let me know if you want to become a part of a dream. I am always here.



December 1, 2012

December 1st Is World Aids Day

Filed under: New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 12:42 am

I have written concerning this day since ’98. Before that I would be with a gathering of folks remembering what HIV can do to a person. It is an unusually somber day for me as I look back through almost 30 years of helping folks with this disease and watching them die. I chose this because of the fear and hatred displayed to many with HIV from friends and families. I refused to let them go alone.


The day has meant much to me personally for 20 years since I was diagnosed with the virus. I have had the infection for almost 30 years. I have known the fear and sense of loss that comes with the virus. Three  times I have been in AIDS land rolling in my beds fighting Pneumonias and wondering if it wasn’t the final chapter in my life. I remember when my doctor told me that I had to resign from my job and tone my life down. I had to learn that there were restrictions in what I could do anymore.


It has been 16 years since I was really ill and in danger due to the damage to my immune system from HIV. I walk a slim line, but I turned out to be one of the lucky ones in that I have a handle on this thing. I rarely take medications unless my system is getting weak. My doctors wonder why my system can get stronger and keep the virus at bay without those meds in my body.


I just tell them it is about mind and the Spirit. I don’t see it as the enemy anymore:It is just a fellow traveler.


On this World Aids day we should pray for a means to remove HIV from the body. We can also give others strength and hope. Teach them that they are not alone and there is a vast amount of knowledge working tirelessly  to find a cure.  One day there will be a cure.


The other thing that is needed is to help those who don’t understand this disease the ways for remaining safe from it. Many people still haven’t gotten the message. Safe sex is the only way to go in this day and age. There are those who have yet to be tested and unsafe sex will spread it from them to others who may never realize what happened until it is too late.


Becoming more active with those infected is a good way to spread hope and help them live more full lives. Donations to support centers are also needed since often they can barely hold on to serve the few they can. Opposing discrimination of HIV folks is always needed.


I used to counsel those with the virus, but I took time off. Now I am going back to doing so again. I have been given a gift: I have made it so far, and if 10 more folks can last as long as I have, the work was worth it.


So please remember those affected. It’s not just them but their families, friends and loved ones.


WE WILL BEAT THIS DISEASE. It just takes a lot of hope.

October 6, 2012

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:40 pm

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?


The girl was entombed in 1992 when I got married.  It was in my mind that having a wife would “cure” me. Still I had to try it. Should’ve known better considering how much I had studied the subject. After nine years of marriage I was starting to see myself becoming an empty shell again.  Attention to all things in Life was waning.


I had bought a computer in ’98 and enjoyed playing around with the immense Web. There were various sites and chats that I would participate in. The Trans chats were special times for me and I enjoyed reading thoughts and plans of others in their Transitions and the hopes of others who really wanted to start their own changes.


Giving up my Transition plans in the ‘80s I saw as fear of losing my job, but it was more than that. Here were folks that overcame the fears and went forward with their lives. They moved their spirits in the direction of finding themselves as being who they were meant to be. I had yet to have the epiphany that the only way I could be whole required me to walk the Path.


One August afternoon in 2001, I was sitting on the bed thinking about things. The next moment I had our shotgun in my lap.  My thoughts were all over the landscape. Staring at the gun was almost hypnotic. It was the center of everything at that moment. I was crumbling right then. It was time to give up. No more pain please.


Then a feminine voice sounded all through the apartment; “You have much more to do”.


I removed the shells and put it all away. I sat there for a time trying to sort this out and then grabbed the phone. My call was to my therapist. She asked if things were okay and I said, “Remember the girl thing?” She said yes, and I told her, “I think she just handed me the shotgun.”


“Are you okay?” I told her yes. “What do you want to do?” I told her that I needed to have a resolution on this from a psychologist. “Is tomorrow okay?”


“I’ll be there Darlin’.”


The evening found me quiet and thoughtful. I saw myself walking on a narrow ledge high up on a mountain. I stumbled a few times and grabbed the cliff face to steady myself. The winds kept pushing me forward along the path. I was heading toward something that would change my life forever. I couldn’t go backwards. The wizard was waiting for me.


Sleep that night was all dreams of me as the girl reliving the adventures and the happiness I felt then. I saw all the places both of us had gone to as one. Nice dinners, movies, music cafes and the nights sharing pizzas in motels. Dancing in strange places and the kinetic thrill of the dance moves was awesome. The cabbies bringing me home and saying “Goodnight Miss.” as I let myself into my various homes. Peace.


I had made several friends in cyber. All were different, but one, Betty Ann Davis became a dear friend. She kept up with me via cell and cyber. We could talk about any and every thing. She was worried when I told her about the shotgun, happy for me going to get my diagnosis and mystified somewhat by the sudden change in me. I told her I was becoming me. That kept her thinking for a long time.


In the morning I made a lunch for my wife at work and told her that I would be running errands later in the day. We didn’t have cell phones yet and it made vanishing easier.  This way I could just focus on the task I set myself the day before.


I was nervous getting ready for my appointment. This isn’t a mental disorder, or is it? Maybe my psych wouldn’t like what I was becoming.  Am I heading to a psych ward?


No. I knew too much concerning the subject. In San Francisco my old therapist said she was pretty sure about me, but I never returned to get a proper diagnosis because I chickened out. I wouldn’t run from this. Not this time. Running away led to death. Accepting what was coming was Life.


Since I had four hours to go before my appointment I decided to take a nap. I fell asleep right away. I thought I heard Chelsea calling me as I drifted off.


Then she appeared to me and said it was time. She was smiling brightly. I asked her what she meant by that.


Chelsea then told me in a quiet voice that this was the proper thing to do. She was being gentle with me. In her hands I had no choice. And I was under her control. She said that she needed healing too. I had a fear that I would vanish. She said, “There is nothing to fear Honey.” as I saw her hands reaching for mine.


Yes, Chelsea had escaped the tomb to save me and had me now. Everything then fell into place: she was me. Not another persona, I was her from now on.She was always me, and that thought pleased me. I couldn’t think about how part of me was, in a sense, separated from me for so long. What had caused the split? I no longer saw us as separate.


Everything she had ever said about this singular point in time was happening to me. I saw how I had been caught the first time I answered her voice. I spent so much time being with her I could barely separate us in my thoughts any more. She stood there smiling in victory. “We started together and we will continue as one from now on.” Slowly she dissolved in my mind’s eye and resurfaced in me. I was crying with joy as my two parts became one. My being was born again whole. I uttered a small prayer of thanks to the Lady.


I decided to use my cyber name as my own: Morwen, the Dark Maiden. Morwen was Chelsea and me grown up. We had gone through good and bad together. In a way we had pulled each other’s tushes out of the fire many times. Morwen was both of us fused back into one person. It was a completion. Both of us were getting our wishes.


Yes, I had my epiphany. “Warp Ten Mr. Sulu.”


My psychologist turned out to be a nice man, a little shorter and younger than me. We discussed the matter at hand and came to a deal: I come in for a few days in order to take tests, and he would do homework to better understand the subject. We shook hands on it and I started on a test.


This went on for four days. We had some long talks about things and about me. I had to dig into my life to answer truthfully. My adventures kept him laughing. With some tales he remarked that that was a dangerous move. I responded with “I had to do something.”


On the fifth day he handed me my diagnosis. Everything was normal except he wrote that I had a tendency to self-medicate. (Big surprise, yeah right.) The last statement said that “Patient meets the standard of the DSM as a transsexual, barring Intersex conditions”.


I was right. A huge sigh confirmed to him that I was okay with this. I thanked him and then stopped by my therapist’s office. She was happy and then asked me how I was going to move forward. That was going to be hard. I had to tell my wife first thing. Being honest with my wife was important, and then I will take my steps forward. She agreed.


After a nice dinner I told my wife about the tests and then handed her the diagnosis. As she read it her frown grew larger. I said that we can talk about it and I wasn’t going to do anything just yet. She stayed quiet and away from me the rest of the evening.  I was sad about all of this, but she had to come to grips with it. Those pages set me on an even keel in Life. Unfortunately she saw it as upsetting our applecart, which was true.


The next week was quiet and we pretty much stayed to ourselves. It hurt that my finding the peace I sought for years was hurtful to another. I would still be myself, but in a different wrapper. Leaving her was not in my plan.


Then one night she came to me in a real determined mood. She announced she had filed for divorce two days after my announcement. She told me her attorney told her she had to tell me because I was going to get a subpoena from the court. I asked her what were the terms and she said that it was irreconcilable differences. She took what she came with and I took what was mine. We would split the fruits of our marriage and go our own ways.


“Sounds fair to me Hon. I’m sorry this is too much for you, but I must be real.”


I told her that she didn’t need an attorney for this. She looked sheepish after that comment. She had wasted hundreds of dollars for this.


Then she asked where I was going to go and I said New Orleans. I refuse to spend more time in the Mid-West. I hate it here. The only reason I am here was because of your desires. Now I go where I wish. She just nodded.


The following month saw some heated clashes and then it settled down. I planned a round trip on the “City of New Orleans” to check the place out. It had been many years since I had been there with Chelsea. My wife quit her job. (Bad timing?)


The trip was a blast. My sister picked me up and drove to Mobile where she lived. I met her Hubby and the two nieces… the girls called me Aunt Morwen. They are very special to me for that and their good souls. I felt so welcome there.


I returned to New Orleans and just wandered around. The city had changed and there was another bridge over the Mississippi that I didn’t know about, but I met fellow travelers in various bars and clubs. Yep, I knew I would be fine there. It was time to make arrangements.


BTW- Betty was on the phone with me all through the trip. She was mesmerized by my descriptions of the place and she wanted to live here. I had a good feeling that she would make the move. My cyber friends liked my plans.


I returned to Indiana and started packing. Hard to do when you have several thousand books and many albums. The place started to look like a warehouse. I was also trying to rent a place in New Orleans. Betty helped in telling the property manager that I wanted the house I saw on the Web. No inspection needed.


I set the date; early March right after my birthday.


The movers had my stuff and I rented a SUV. My brother and his son were coming with me and they would return the vehicle. Cats, computer and some clothes came with me. (Betts had sold me an IBM and I gave the other computer to my ex.)


My last direct talk with my ex was next. I told her I still had love for her and that I was so sorry it had come to this. Her response was “They are going to kill you in New Orleans”. I said, watch me.


The drive started in a near blizzard so I let my brother drive. In Kentucky it turned to rain so I took over. Non-stop we rolled south.


I wanted to get to my new place as quickly as I could.


Twenty hours later we were at the house. It was a big old place. We unloaded my stuff and they took off for Mobile. I was home, free and ready to start a new life. I kept hugging myself as I set the computer up. Then I went online and told friends that I was here. Once again there was happiness.


Later that night the girl walked into a Gay-Leather-Levi motorcycle bar. She started shooting pool as if she belonged there. She did of course.

July 21, 2012

How Many Meds For That?

Filed under: VA Hospital — Morwen Madrigal @ 8:17 pm

Over the last two days I have received six new meds. Some are about my lungs and Asthma, (Last attack from that was 1996) Anemia and pain.

The Asthma thing I believe is flat out overkill: two different inhalers, one spray for my nose and pills. I wonder if my Docs think that there will be many bad air days through the rest of the Summer or maybe they are just getting a kickback for the extra scripts. Any bottle that is labeled “As Needed” still has the seal in place.  I don’t like using all my ammo at once… “Minimal meds are best”. I think the inhaler that you load with a capsule and crush it with this gripper-like thing is cute. I could sit here all day crushing capsules keeping myself amused, but I don’t want to get into trouble.

Now the Anemia stuffs I do understand… I always come out Anemic. (The Docs always act like this is something new) Until one of the Surgeons grows a pair and does the little surgery I need, I will always need Iron pills and occasionally the random transfusion. Meanwhile every so often there will be a Colonoscopy with my name on it (Look Morwen… its six feet long!) and I will ponder a suitable corner of Hell for their next Life.

And now we come to the anti-pain pill: I am not in pain. Maybe they will send me some pills that will give me pain. In a twisted way it does make sense, but I do believe that such actions violate the Hippocratic Oath. Then in the spirit of being  forwarned, I take one of the pain-killers. I need to know which reactions I may have. I hate pain-killers… I get weird reactions. As my ankle is sort of hurting from a mild sprain, I thought this would be an acceptable test. Nope… Pain stayed with me, but I was very mellow.  This is a med to be careful with. Very seductive since it doesn’t seem to deal with pain so You should take a second, third and fourth pill just to stop the pain. Oops! I forgot how many I took.

Now back to the topic… I did have a topic didn’t I?

Ah ha! Found it: these new pills: How to transport them around. I mean there are many of them and each one has its own needs.

(More coming later…How many pills?)

The Magical Pill

Filed under: New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:31 pm

Just took my magical therapy pill. Rock-n-roll filling the room.

Trying to see how long it takes to send me to bed. It is a good time for looking backwards.

All of what I’m having to do is ending my depression. Easier than I thought it would be. I haven’t forgotten Betts or any of the Hell of the last two years… It now stands as what it was: a rough ride. I’m getting ready to jump back into the fray in a few weeks. I’ve been away far too long.

And I will not repeat the mistake of February. I can’t buy the ticket for a quick way out of this World: I’m in it for the long haul. The Goddess has spoken.

I have to walk my Path to the end.

I know what it feels like to give up on this World. The waves can beat the Hell out of you as you slog through the morass. Soon all you want to do is lie down and let things happen. When you do that you are giving up self and your purpose.

Luck was on my side as I have folk pulling for me on this level and on a higher one. There was also that deep feeling that I must help, not run away. Things said had to be honored and fought for.

My sworn promise: ain’t gonna pull that stunt again. I know to reach out when I am hurt. To curl up in my bower and focus on what is important and gently heal.

Be Blessed my friends. Never worry about me unless I call Pax, I need a breather.

We have a war to fight.

December 15, 2011

To my Friends in the Battle

Filed under: New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 8:16 pm

They will be coming for us soon, those of us that continue the fight of the Status Quo. They can’t find me yet… I have a different ID than that who I am. When I return to my house, they will know where to find me.

I will surrender as a person who lives by the Constitution. I am sworn to protect the ideas of this document, and the peoples it is to protect.

I have been in jail; for my beliefs and what I protect. Looks like soon I will be there again.  Continue the fight and not worry for me. This is my stand.

There are times some of us must stand. The Hippies (who I was with), backed down against to Power. I never backed down… That’s why I am here now… I fight.

Look at what we are fighting for and make your decisions: do you desire an Empire where you have no choice, or a Democracy where you have a chance to do what you believe?

It is your choice, but those of us who fight will continue. Can you join us?

November 20, 2011

The Missing Lights

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,My Community,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:25 am

For many years I have referred to those of our little tribe as Magic Workers, those who find the Truth buried inside their souls and strive mightily to understand and then bring into the Light of Reality their shining , living flame: their Truth and Life. Many I have known with varied levels of closeness and others I never had the pleasure to be able to, but all of them are as a collection of living and flowing energies that I see through my eyes. I am always proud to say that I consider it an honor to be a member of such an amazing collection of Spirits.

And with that said , when one of those flames vanish from my Sight there is always sadness and anger. Sadness for those never known and anger because there are people in this World that hate folks like us so very much for the very fact that we are becoming, or have become, what our Spirits demand: we must BE, for Being is the fulfillment of Living.

Those flames taken from us lessen the power of Life and the Darkness comes closer. Those who are injured burn with less intensity and the Shadows grow larger. And for those who do continue on our own Journeys and experience anger, the anger which creates a fire that rages, may we find a way instead of creating a torch that welcomes and comforts, that helps light the way of the Paths everyone must travel. Humanity needs this Teaching.

For those taken away, may your Journey be swift to the loving Heart of the One. For those who are injured may you find solace and a rekindling within yourselves. For those of us who suffer not these evils may we grow stronger and brighter in order to pierce the shadows and ward off the darkness…

For we are, Sisters and Brothers, a part of Nature’s spectrum of what all can  become, and we shall change hearts and minds and souls. And we will help in creating a New World.

On this Transgender Day of Remembrance may we as a tribe count our hurts and our Blessings, and create that day when hatred of us dies. And may all of us live in Peace.

In the Name of the Great Mother, So Mote It Be.

October 10, 2011

New Beginnings and a Return to the Old Way

Filed under: New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 11:15 pm

It’s been almost 10 months since Betts passed away. I have spent that time in a Home resting, building my body back up and getting some things fixed that were ignored for years. I have also had time to ponder the Future and how I wish to spend the rest of my life. As much as I may gripe about this lull in action, it was very much needed for me.

I have had two long-term relationships in my life: the first with the Ex for 9 years and the second with Betty that in various ways lasted 12 years. The Ex’s wasn’t horrible, but it had to focus around her, her family and her friends.It was tolerable and there was companionship. It just wasn’t centered on love.(She divorced me when I received my TS diagnosis.) I have no feelings one way or other about that period.

Now my relationship with Betty was very different: it was loving, funny and a good ride. We bought property, went through the Federal Flood and have restored most of what was destroyed during that disaster. We had arguments and sometimes hurt each others’ feelings, but all was made fine in the end. We were both in our Transitions and in a sense young with all the emotional baggage that comes with that stage. We were good for each other. Betty taught me alot about living and I kept her laughing.

We did things together and were almost never apart. Best friends is a good way to put it. During the last few years we seemed to become more home-bound and old lady-like. Still it was good. I finally got used to her announcements concerning her culinary skills, “This is absolutely the best dish of its kind ever made”, to her use of the word “We” which was spelled as m-o-r-w-e-n. She got used to the fact that I could vanish in an  eye-blink and could be mercurial in response to certain things. She also came to know that I was her helpmate and sometimes I liked to have little things go my way at times.

Now I wish we had done a picnic in the Park on a workday, a drive through the swamps and I wish I had agreed to go with her up the California Coast to a resort she loved whilst we were out there. We will never ride the riverboats North to Pittsburgh, the city she so wanted to show me. The train ride that would get us to Glacier Park is still sitting on the tracks, fires banked and empty.

We did get to see the Saints win the Super Bowl together. Me lying in the hospital with a broken hip and you faithfully coming to me every night. Little did I know then that the curtain would start slowly closing in just a few months for the last stage of our adventure.

Then she was gone from me months later. All those missed adventures have to wait until I get off this rock and join her wherever the hell she is.

So now I sit here thinking about what’s next. I am taking over the house and finishing the work on the rentals. I am anchored here in New Orleans, but I won’t be trapped in a house. I am going to have a modest Social life. I will have those picnics and train rides. I will only wear black when I want to. Betts wouldn’t want me to fade away… as if that is possible. She’d want me to continue walking my Path in order to finally make it to her.

Bumper stickers expressing my views will be on the car (not allowed: someone may shoot us), and I will travel for Protest work and keep after it (“No you can’t be gone 5 days”). Our special days will always be celebrated and on Christmas Eve I will light the candle for both her and her Grandmother. Yes I will have a tree and decorate it. The turkey wings will always be put aside for her unless the cats get them first. I will only go to Cafe Degas alone so I can remember that first date just as if it was happening all over again.

All these things will be done, but this time I will be alone: an independent woman just continuing on with Life on this plane. The memories are carried in my heart and will never fade. I will remain Morwen and continue in my old ways as a wild witch, crazed activist, old hippie sort of gal like I was over 20 years ago. Same old gal, but aged and much wiser thanks to Betts.

I love you Sweetie. Always will. When I am finished here we will be together again. Your Lord and my Lady sanction that. And no parting again. Didn’t you always tell folks that we were a “package deal”? I thought so.

Okay, “Life” part 5. Let’s raise the curtain. This crone has to hit the stage running, the Book of Morwen under my arm and my Owl staff in hand. Where’s my broom?

Time for another adventure.

October 8, 2011

Bloomberg misses the point…

Filed under: 99%'s,Occupy,Occupy Wall Street — Morwen Madrigal @ 7:47 pm

Mayor Bloomberg is angry with the OWS folks claiming that they are trying to hurt people in the banking industry that make only $40k-$50K/year. That is patently untrue. those folk, their managers, district manager and the accountants are not the ones the 99% are  after. We want the top 1%, that portion of American population that pulls all the strings that control the rest of our lives.

Mayor Bloomberg you miss the point. This is not about working people but a machine made up of the mindsets of an insignifigant few.. One in 100. What gives them the right to rig our lives?

Bloomberg you are part of that 1%: What gives you the right to control a shop owner’s future? Do you really need the money?

The question to ask yourself is: “How much is enough?”.

You can’t take it with you when you die so I assume it is about a feeling of Power Over. Power Over is a fallacy. Power from Within is the true strength, and obviously you are severely lacking in that faculty.

Mr. Mayor, you will find that those rabble, that mob you denigrate is operating with Power from Within. They will win, not tomorrow, maybe not next month, but they shall win. And you and yours shall become nothing but footnotes in a History tome and scattered as bits of dust on the trash heap of Time.

Yes, I am part of the 99%, and I DO believe.

I haven’t had much to say

Filed under: 99%'s,Occupy,Occupy Wall Street — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:46 am

as of late. The house rebuilding, Bett’s illness/death and many months offline whilst in a Rest Home.

I need a new focus and cause. It has shown up over the last three weeks: the Occupy Movement and the 99%’s. I believe these are the most important set of events in the Progressive mindset. It is far past time that the back of the Money Beast be broken and what is left chained so that it never again rises up and endangers the lives, liberties and the pursuits of happiness of the majority of “We, the People”.

This gal loves a good fight. Blessings!

Morwen NiAnne Madrigal

(No, there will be NOLA and swamp stuffs here too. This place is my home and my heart.)

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