Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

October 6, 2012

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:40 pm

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?


The girl was entombed in 1992 when I got married.  It was in my mind that having a wife would “cure” me. Still I had to try it. Should’ve known better considering how much I had studied the subject. After nine years of marriage I was starting to see myself becoming an empty shell again.  Attention to all things in Life was waning.


I had bought a computer in ’98 and enjoyed playing around with the immense Web. There were various sites and chats that I would participate in. The Trans chats were special times for me and I enjoyed reading thoughts and plans of others in their Transitions and the hopes of others who really wanted to start their own changes.


Giving up my Transition plans in the ‘80s I saw as fear of losing my job, but it was more than that. Here were folks that overcame the fears and went forward with their lives. They moved their spirits in the direction of finding themselves as being who they were meant to be. I had yet to have the epiphany that the only way I could be whole required me to walk the Path.


One August afternoon in 2001, I was sitting on the bed thinking about things. The next moment I had our shotgun in my lap.  My thoughts were all over the landscape. Staring at the gun was almost hypnotic. It was the center of everything at that moment. I was crumbling right then. It was time to give up. No more pain please.


Then a feminine voice sounded all through the apartment; “You have much more to do”.


I removed the shells and put it all away. I sat there for a time trying to sort this out and then grabbed the phone. My call was to my therapist. She asked if things were okay and I said, “Remember the girl thing?” She said yes, and I told her, “I think she just handed me the shotgun.”


“Are you okay?” I told her yes. “What do you want to do?” I told her that I needed to have a resolution on this from a psychologist. “Is tomorrow okay?”


“I’ll be there Darlin’.”


The evening found me quiet and thoughtful. I saw myself walking on a narrow ledge high up on a mountain. I stumbled a few times and grabbed the cliff face to steady myself. The winds kept pushing me forward along the path. I was heading toward something that would change my life forever. I couldn’t go backwards. The wizard was waiting for me.


Sleep that night was all dreams of me as the girl reliving the adventures and the happiness I felt then. I saw all the places both of us had gone to as one. Nice dinners, movies, music cafes and the nights sharing pizzas in motels. Dancing in strange places and the kinetic thrill of the dance moves was awesome. The cabbies bringing me home and saying “Goodnight Miss.” as I let myself into my various homes. Peace.


I had made several friends in cyber. All were different, but one, Betty Ann Davis became a dear friend. She kept up with me via cell and cyber. We could talk about any and every thing. She was worried when I told her about the shotgun, happy for me going to get my diagnosis and mystified somewhat by the sudden change in me. I told her I was becoming me. That kept her thinking for a long time.


In the morning I made a lunch for my wife at work and told her that I would be running errands later in the day. We didn’t have cell phones yet and it made vanishing easier.  This way I could just focus on the task I set myself the day before.


I was nervous getting ready for my appointment. This isn’t a mental disorder, or is it? Maybe my psych wouldn’t like what I was becoming.  Am I heading to a psych ward?


No. I knew too much concerning the subject. In San Francisco my old therapist said she was pretty sure about me, but I never returned to get a proper diagnosis because I chickened out. I wouldn’t run from this. Not this time. Running away led to death. Accepting what was coming was Life.


Since I had four hours to go before my appointment I decided to take a nap. I fell asleep right away. I thought I heard Chelsea calling me as I drifted off.


Then she appeared to me and said it was time. She was smiling brightly. I asked her what she meant by that.


Chelsea then told me in a quiet voice that this was the proper thing to do. She was being gentle with me. In her hands I had no choice. And I was under her control. She said that she needed healing too. I had a fear that I would vanish. She said, “There is nothing to fear Honey.” as I saw her hands reaching for mine.


Yes, Chelsea had escaped the tomb to save me and had me now. Everything then fell into place: she was me. Not another persona, I was her from now on.She was always me, and that thought pleased me. I couldn’t think about how part of me was, in a sense, separated from me for so long. What had caused the split? I no longer saw us as separate.


Everything she had ever said about this singular point in time was happening to me. I saw how I had been caught the first time I answered her voice. I spent so much time being with her I could barely separate us in my thoughts any more. She stood there smiling in victory. “We started together and we will continue as one from now on.” Slowly she dissolved in my mind’s eye and resurfaced in me. I was crying with joy as my two parts became one. My being was born again whole. I uttered a small prayer of thanks to the Lady.


I decided to use my cyber name as my own: Morwen, the Dark Maiden. Morwen was Chelsea and me grown up. We had gone through good and bad together. In a way we had pulled each other’s tushes out of the fire many times. Morwen was both of us fused back into one person. It was a completion. Both of us were getting our wishes.


Yes, I had my epiphany. “Warp Ten Mr. Sulu.”


My psychologist turned out to be a nice man, a little shorter and younger than me. We discussed the matter at hand and came to a deal: I come in for a few days in order to take tests, and he would do homework to better understand the subject. We shook hands on it and I started on a test.


This went on for four days. We had some long talks about things and about me. I had to dig into my life to answer truthfully. My adventures kept him laughing. With some tales he remarked that that was a dangerous move. I responded with “I had to do something.”


On the fifth day he handed me my diagnosis. Everything was normal except he wrote that I had a tendency to self-medicate. (Big surprise, yeah right.) The last statement said that “Patient meets the standard of the DSM as a transsexual, barring Intersex conditions”.


I was right. A huge sigh confirmed to him that I was okay with this. I thanked him and then stopped by my therapist’s office. She was happy and then asked me how I was going to move forward. That was going to be hard. I had to tell my wife first thing. Being honest with my wife was important, and then I will take my steps forward. She agreed.


After a nice dinner I told my wife about the tests and then handed her the diagnosis. As she read it her frown grew larger. I said that we can talk about it and I wasn’t going to do anything just yet. She stayed quiet and away from me the rest of the evening.  I was sad about all of this, but she had to come to grips with it. Those pages set me on an even keel in Life. Unfortunately she saw it as upsetting our applecart, which was true.


The next week was quiet and we pretty much stayed to ourselves. It hurt that my finding the peace I sought for years was hurtful to another. I would still be myself, but in a different wrapper. Leaving her was not in my plan.


Then one night she came to me in a real determined mood. She announced she had filed for divorce two days after my announcement. She told me her attorney told her she had to tell me because I was going to get a subpoena from the court. I asked her what were the terms and she said that it was irreconcilable differences. She took what she came with and I took what was mine. We would split the fruits of our marriage and go our own ways.


“Sounds fair to me Hon. I’m sorry this is too much for you, but I must be real.”


I told her that she didn’t need an attorney for this. She looked sheepish after that comment. She had wasted hundreds of dollars for this.


Then she asked where I was going to go and I said New Orleans. I refuse to spend more time in the Mid-West. I hate it here. The only reason I am here was because of your desires. Now I go where I wish. She just nodded.


The following month saw some heated clashes and then it settled down. I planned a round trip on the “City of New Orleans” to check the place out. It had been many years since I had been there with Chelsea. My wife quit her job. (Bad timing?)


The trip was a blast. My sister picked me up and drove to Mobile where she lived. I met her Hubby and the two nieces… the girls called me Aunt Morwen. They are very special to me for that and their good souls. I felt so welcome there.


I returned to New Orleans and just wandered around. The city had changed and there was another bridge over the Mississippi that I didn’t know about, but I met fellow travelers in various bars and clubs. Yep, I knew I would be fine there. It was time to make arrangements.


BTW- Betty was on the phone with me all through the trip. She was mesmerized by my descriptions of the place and she wanted to live here. I had a good feeling that she would make the move. My cyber friends liked my plans.


I returned to Indiana and started packing. Hard to do when you have several thousand books and many albums. The place started to look like a warehouse. I was also trying to rent a place in New Orleans. Betty helped in telling the property manager that I wanted the house I saw on the Web. No inspection needed.


I set the date; early March right after my birthday.


The movers had my stuff and I rented a SUV. My brother and his son were coming with me and they would return the vehicle. Cats, computer and some clothes came with me. (Betts had sold me an IBM and I gave the other computer to my ex.)


My last direct talk with my ex was next. I told her I still had love for her and that I was so sorry it had come to this. Her response was “They are going to kill you in New Orleans”. I said, watch me.


The drive started in a near blizzard so I let my brother drive. In Kentucky it turned to rain so I took over. Non-stop we rolled south.


I wanted to get to my new place as quickly as I could.


Twenty hours later we were at the house. It was a big old place. We unloaded my stuff and they took off for Mobile. I was home, free and ready to start a new life. I kept hugging myself as I set the computer up. Then I went online and told friends that I was here. Once again there was happiness.


Later that night the girl walked into a Gay-Leather-Levi motorcycle bar. She started shooting pool as if she belonged there. She did of course.

November 20, 2011

The Missing Lights

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,My Community,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:25 am

For many years I have referred to those of our little tribe as Magic Workers, those who find the Truth buried inside their souls and strive mightily to understand and then bring into the Light of Reality their shining , living flame: their Truth and Life. Many I have known with varied levels of closeness and others I never had the pleasure to be able to, but all of them are as a collection of living and flowing energies that I see through my eyes. I am always proud to say that I consider it an honor to be a member of such an amazing collection of Spirits.

And with that said , when one of those flames vanish from my Sight there is always sadness and anger. Sadness for those never known and anger because there are people in this World that hate folks like us so very much for the very fact that we are becoming, or have become, what our Spirits demand: we must BE, for Being is the fulfillment of Living.

Those flames taken from us lessen the power of Life and the Darkness comes closer. Those who are injured burn with less intensity and the Shadows grow larger. And for those who do continue on our own Journeys and experience anger, the anger which creates a fire that rages, may we find a way instead of creating a torch that welcomes and comforts, that helps light the way of the Paths everyone must travel. Humanity needs this Teaching.

For those taken away, may your Journey be swift to the loving Heart of the One. For those who are injured may you find solace and a rekindling within yourselves. For those of us who suffer not these evils may we grow stronger and brighter in order to pierce the shadows and ward off the darkness…

For we are, Sisters and Brothers, a part of Nature’s spectrum of what all can  become, and we shall change hearts and minds and souls. And we will help in creating a New World.

On this Transgender Day of Remembrance may we as a tribe count our hurts and our Blessings, and create that day when hatred of us dies. And may all of us live in Peace.

In the Name of the Great Mother, So Mote It Be.

April 11, 2010

Don’t stop me now…

Filed under: American Culture,LGBT,New Orleans,Religious Reich — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:15 am

Ahhh… the fuckmooks of the Southern Republican Leadership Conference are leaving New Orleans (or in the brothels or dragging their sorry asses along Bourbon Street trying to get laid) tonight. Good deal, the air will be much cleaner once they are gone.

Yes they held their conference here in the very city that they wanted to let die after the Federal Flood in ’05.  It’s just their way of fucking (in a different sense) us over again. I got shoved to the side by two rotund Repugs insisting that the sidewalk belonged only to them in the Quarter (and me walking with a cane).  A blind man fared worse.  They stared harshly at the very folk that are trying to rebuild our city with very little help. People who are just hoping to get lives back to a sane level.

These assholes are the ones who will drop $10K for a dinner with Piyush Jindal, the worm of a Guv’nor for the Gret Stet of Looziana, but never think of what $10K might mean to to a food bank here.

I may just be a crazy witch, but I follow the teachings of a man called Jesus much more then they can ever do.  I give a shit about the World more than I do my “portfolio”.  I’M HUMAN.

And then I see on the local news that some punk-ass fucks went on a shooting spree after a beef from Mardi Gras in the Quarter. Is there any impulse control of this subset of the population? Innocent people were shot (but it’s okay since the wounds are not lethal).  I was there yesterday hobbling along with my cane. Should I, or anyone else, be a victim of their childish, less than Human, squabbles?

The problem is that if we, the citizens of New Orleans, supported a campaign to eradicate this plague, the Black Ministerial Alliance would go bat-shit insane.  They will come at us and accuse us of waging war against their “people”. (Sorry folks… we don’t carry guns to use in order to settle a “beef”). If you want to prove male superiority, do it in a backyard with your fists if you must. Leave the rest of us out of your bull shit.

And then fucking Mike Huckabee raises his hoary head about the fitness of LGBT folks concerning raising children. This absolute fucktard has defamed us for far too long. I would be a great parent for a kid because I live by Human principles, not the insanity of their religion or politics. I have compassion, a trait I see sadly lacking in their lives. I look to the Future whilst the bulk of them look back to “Leave It To Beaver”.  I “see” what can be. They cannot.

I guess that’s the difference of evolution of a soul. Try it some time assholes.

December 1, 2009

It’s World AIDS Day

Filed under: LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:05 pm

I got pulled into this back in ’83. I was forced to watch friends and co-workers die agonizing deaths. There was no way in Hell I could just idly watch the drama. I was with almost 200 boys as they drew their last breaths. Often I was the only one there. I cleaned their homes and cooked them food. Worked on the original AIDS Quilt so they would not be forgotten.

Some of those folks I didn’t agree with, but the right, the Human Thing, was to help in every way possible.

The World has blood on it’s hands. They stood on the sidelines as this disaster unfolded, mainly due to religious and Racial bias. The U.S. has played a huge part in that crime. This country could have moved faster to help those affected by HIV, but it didn’t because it was about “those people”.

In ’92 I found out that I was one of “those people”. I had been raped in ’84. That day the battle for those with HIV became personal. I’m now at my third trip to AIDSLand, and I will not die from it. I refuse to let the demon win, but that’s me and all that I believe in.

Many do not have my resources or strength. I have been to the Abyss more than a few times… I have no fear of dying. I have my love in Living . That keeps me going.

I have many issues that I feel strongly about, but this one is at the fore. It’s not about me; I have lived far more of Life than many will ever know. I fight because I can for those who can’t.

In ’94 a dear friend, hours before he died, told me that I had to keep going. He had “Seen” that I had to keep going. Later that day I opened the “Doors” because I knew what was happening. He passed and all is well. He is in the Summer Country resting up for his next turn of the Wheel.

We must find a way to defeat this disease. Not for me (I can live with it) but for the ones to come. They should never know the pain and sorrow of this thing.

And to everyone, “Welcome to World AIDS Day”.

November 16, 2009

And I Am To Vanish Into the Mists?

Filed under: LGBT,New Orleans,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:16 am

back in time there was a child, a freak of nature, though that child never knew the truth. A child who walked to school, studied hard and one that fulfilled the wishes of it’s parents; to be the best that you can be and never forget where you came from. The child who held their Mom as she died very early and a Dad that lost it because his world had ended. The child who became a “Mom”. A child who did everything to please…who had a goal in mind; “Evey chance for everyone”. The child thought, “I leave no one behind”.

That child wound up being the Class Valedictorian as it worked full-time to keep it’s world and the family safe, rated by the Military and many colleges as a prime choice- 200+ IQ and being part of the one hundreth of one percentile of the entire population. “There is nothing you can’t do.” they said. “The World is your oyster”. And that child turned down their Dad’s second mortgage to finance that child’s college fees because the child was worried about their siblings’ chances to be able to further themselves. That child did not want preferential treatment. The child knew what it was directed to do, what the Inner Voice called for.

That child went into Nuclear Engineering in the Navy, loving the calculations and the whole process, but after 9 years left for something different. The child decided to deal with people instead of equations, since people were what the child wanted to be involved with. It’s what the child needed in it’s soul. Connections with others was what that child craved, needed, and desired.

Yes, the child is me.

I’m an Intersexed woman with a healthy dose of Aspergers Syndrome to boot. And all I have ever wanted was to tend my own garden and see folks living happy lives. Sadly, that was never to be my fate. I have seen too much.I must speak from my heart and speak for those like me.
And I must live by the words of the Lady.

And no, She will not lend her mind to their crap; My belief and trust is in people. “Such a waste”, said my in-laws… “You could make so much money”. My answer was about how does money asauge the pain others are going through, the drive for true equality, the knowledge that you have a part in all of this?

My answer was that it didn’t.I don’t agree with the “$$$=Success” model. My sisters and brothers need folks like me. Our city needs those like me.We are the Guardians. Not the Watchers, but those who defend. Not Warriors, but Healers.

Welcome to the new World. “I AM” is the most important statement one can make about their life. That’s the moment you “Become”.

And yes the World is my oyster and I will not vanish into the Mists.

November 4, 2009

Remember “Maine”

Just fuck me now. Yesterday  the Christa-fux voted to dis-allow Same-Sex Marriage in Maine even though it was approved by the Courts, the Legislature and the Govenor. The recognition of equal rights for all Americans was negated by a bunch of cross-wearing fools that hate lives like the one Betts and I have together. Their “religion” tells them that people like us are evil and do not deserve the Rights of being a couple and living a life together. (Same shit went down in California last year with Prop. 8.)

They have decided that they can have Rights not available to other Americans that they deem unacceptable.  People like me and mine don’t count in America. We are to be discounted as Human Beings. This is wrong.

I’m not a slave to a “burning bush”. I do not believe in a book written by Mid-Easterners from as far back as 3,500 BCE.  I am a well-educated person living in the 21st Century. I’m a scientist, an engineer and a retail manager. I know how to live in the Reality that I’m presented with.

I’m a tax-paying citizen of this country and a Veteran. I don’t over-tax the Social network because I do things on my own. How fucking dare you cross-wearing mooks deny me MY RIGHTS just because you or your holy book don’t agree with my life. (I’m not the one birthing 12 kids when I can’t pay for them)

I gave almost ten years of my life to defend this country and Her ideals. I defended your right to live your life even when I disagreed with your choices. Never, NEVER, would it be in my soul to deny you your desires or beliefs.  “Different strokes for different folks”.  What makes you better than me? What about your life outweighs the life I live? Nothing that I can see.

My life with Betty is one where we work our tushes off to support community and other efforts. We are people that believe that unless you are a criminal, just live your life. Your lives are like ours; choices. How do we differ?

I have a solution to this entire problem- we get rid of all special benefits for married couples. We eliminate all benefits for kids. Hey, we are all just individuals and none of us should get more goodies than another. And let’s get rid of the tax exemption for religious companies?Let’s level the playing field.

Can you see an equitable Future that I see?

So you fucking Christa mooks, take your filthy hands off of our lives. Do not attack us for our ways and we don’t come after you for being Stone-Agers.  Let me and mine live our lives in peace.

Me and mine will eventually have full equality in this land… you may not like it, but FUCK YOU.  We are citizens of the United States.

June 16, 2009

This guy needs a 6inch stilleto up his tush

Filed under: Fuckmooks,Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,My Community — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:38 pm

This is going to be building here at OWL Central. This guy pisses me off. (trouble city) This fuckmook deserves all that will be coming.

March 14, 2009

From Lez Get Real

Filed under: LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:29 pm

Interesting take.

February 23, 2009

I Want a Civil Union

Filed under: LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 12:35 pm

From Alternet- here.

January 28, 2009

Expand the Civil Rights Act to Protect LGBT Rights

Filed under: LGBT — Morwen Madrigal @ 5:12 pm

(My arm is finally on the mend, but I’m still taking it easy with the typing… here’s a request)


I wanted to draw your attention to this important 
petition that I recently signed:

"Expand the Civil Rights Act to Protect LGBT Rights"

I really think this is an important cause, and I'd like 
to encourage you to add your signature, too. It's free 
and takes less than a minute of your time.

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