It’s been almost 10 months since Betts passed away. I have spent that time in a Home resting, building my body back up and getting some things fixed that were ignored for years. I have also had time to ponder the Future and how I wish to spend the rest of my life. As much as I may gripe about this lull in action, it was very much needed for me.
I have had two long-term relationships in my life: the first with the Ex for 9 years and the second with Betty that in various ways lasted 12 years. The Ex’s wasn’t horrible, but it had to focus around her, her family and her friends.It was tolerable and there was companionship. It just wasn’t centered on love.(She divorced me when I received my TS diagnosis.) I have no feelings one way or other about that period.
Now my relationship with Betty was very different: it was loving, funny and a good ride. We bought property, went through the Federal Flood and have restored most of what was destroyed during that disaster. We had arguments and sometimes hurt each others’ feelings, but all was made fine in the end. We were both in our Transitions and in a sense young with all the emotional baggage that comes with that stage. We were good for each other. Betty taught me alot about living and I kept her laughing.
We did things together and were almost never apart. Best friends is a good way to put it. During the last few years we seemed to become more home-bound and old lady-like. Still it was good. I finally got used to her announcements concerning her culinary skills, “This is absolutely the best dish of its kind ever made”, to her use of the word “We” which was spelled as m-o-r-w-e-n. She got used to the fact that I could vanish in an eye-blink and could be mercurial in response to certain things. She also came to know that I was her helpmate and sometimes I liked to have little things go my way at times.
Now I wish we had done a picnic in the Park on a workday, a drive through the swamps and I wish I had agreed to go with her up the California Coast to a resort she loved whilst we were out there. We will never ride the riverboats North to Pittsburgh, the city she so wanted to show me. The train ride that would get us to Glacier Park is still sitting on the tracks, fires banked and empty.
We did get to see the Saints win the Super Bowl together. Me lying in the hospital with a broken hip and you faithfully coming to me every night. Little did I know then that the curtain would start slowly closing in just a few months for the last stage of our adventure.
Then she was gone from me months later. All those missed adventures have to wait until I get off this rock and join her wherever the hell she is.
So now I sit here thinking about what’s next. I am taking over the house and finishing the work on the rentals. I am anchored here in New Orleans, but I won’t be trapped in a house. I am going to have a modest Social life. I will have those picnics and train rides. I will only wear black when I want to. Betts wouldn’t want me to fade away… as if that is possible. She’d want me to continue walking my Path in order to finally make it to her.
Bumper stickers expressing my views will be on the car (not allowed: someone may shoot us), and I will travel for Protest work and keep after it (“No you can’t be gone 5 days”). Our special days will always be celebrated and on Christmas Eve I will light the candle for both her and her Grandmother. Yes I will have a tree and decorate it. The turkey wings will always be put aside for her unless the cats get them first. I will only go to Cafe Degas alone so I can remember that first date just as if it was happening all over again.
All these things will be done, but this time I will be alone: an independent woman just continuing on with Life on this plane. The memories are carried in my heart and will never fade. I will remain Morwen and continue in my old ways as a wild witch, crazed activist, old hippie sort of gal like I was over 20 years ago. Same old gal, but aged and much wiser thanks to Betts.
I love you Sweetie. Always will. When I am finished here we will be together again. Your Lord and my Lady sanction that. And no parting again. Didn’t you always tell folks that we were a “package deal”? I thought so.
Okay, “Life” part 5. Let’s raise the curtain. This crone has to hit the stage running, the Book of Morwen under my arm and my Owl staff in hand. Where’s my broom?
Time for another adventure.