Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

When Betty and I bought our property I had a dream. When we were both gone the place would become a Trans compound. It would be our gift to the sisters and brothers who inspired us to become our trueselves.

Sadly, Betty died early and I am the one who remains. And now, I am looking for a way to be a benefit to our community.

There is the main house which is 2,400 sq ft, and two apartments. There is also a side yard which I want to build a tiny Cottage on for me. The area is very safe and there is tons of parking. (and two garages.)

The main house is tops with the State for energy efficiency. It is also one of the strongest homes around. I know since I designed the rebuild. I can put solar on since I have a special deal. The courtyard needs to be rebuilt, and I will put another hot tub in place. The plantings I hope to have help on.

I’m am doing this because I don’t want what Betty and I spent years working on to go away. I am also looking at this so that I can also be a part of the dream with my tiny house. I want a sanctuary for many of us. This has been my goal for years.

It may mean buying in or just rentals. I have no real thoughts on this. This is a new answer for my dreams, and a safe place for me and others. I want a small safe place for us. I see four couples or four individuals. That is a small step in the right direction.

‘

I will have realized the hope., and still be able to be the bitch I am when it comes to our issues. We are not done yet about our beingness. This girl will work for our selves to the end of her life.

That is my sworn promise.

Just let me know if you want to become a part of a dream. I am always here.

I have written concerning this day since ’98. Before that I would be with a gathering of folks remembering what HIV can do to a person. It is an unusually somber day for me as I look back through almost 30 years of helping folks with this disease and watching them die. I chose this because of the fear and hatred displayed to many with HIV from friends and families. I refused to let them go alone.

The day has meant much to me personally for 20 years since I was diagnosed with the virus. I have had the infection for almost 30 years. I have known the fear and sense of loss that comes with the virus. Three  times I have been in AIDS land rolling in my beds fighting Pneumonias and wondering if it wasn’t the final chapter in my life. I remember when my doctor told me that I had to resign from my job and tone my life down. I had to learn that there were restrictions in what I could do anymore.

It has been 16 years since I was really ill and in danger due to the damage to my immune system from HIV. I walk a slim line, but I turned out to be one of the lucky ones in that I have a handle on this thing. I rarely take medications unless my system is getting weak. My doctors wonder why my system can get stronger and keep the virus at bay without those meds in my body.

I just tell them it is about mind and the Spirit. I don’t see it as the enemy anymore:It is just a fellow traveler.

On this World Aids day we should pray for a means to remove HIV from the body. We can also give others strength and hope. Teach them that they are not alone and there is a vast amount of knowledge working tirelessly  to find a cure.  One day there will be a cure.

The other thing that is needed is to help those who don’t understand this disease the ways for remaining safe from it. Many people still haven’t gotten the message. Safe sex is the only way to go in this day and age. There are those who have yet to be tested and unsafe sex will spread it from them to others who may never realize what happened until it is too late.

Becoming more active with those infected is a good way to spread hope and help them live more full lives. Donations to support centers are also needed since often they can barely hold on to serve the few they can. Opposing discrimination of HIV folks is always needed.

I used to counsel those with the virus, but I took time off. Now I am going back to doing so again. I have been given a gift: I have made it so far, and if 10 more folks can last as long as I have, the work was worth it.

So please remember those affected. It’s not just them but their families, friends and loved ones.

WE WILL BEAT THIS DISEASE. It just takes a lot of hope.

Just took my magical therapy pill. Rock-n-roll filling the room.

Trying to see how long it takes to send me to bed. It is a good time for looking backwards.

All of what I’m having to do is ending my depression. Easier than I thought it would be. I haven’t forgotten Betts or any of the Hell of the last two years… It now stands as what it was: a rough ride. I’m getting ready to jump back into the fray in a few weeks. I’ve been away far too long.

And I will not repeat the mistake of February. I can’t buy the ticket for a quick way out of this World: I’m in it for the long haul. The Goddess has spoken.

I have to walk my Path to the end.

I know what it feels like to give up on this World. The waves can beat the Hell out of you as you slog through the morass. Soon all you want to do is lie down and let things happen. When you do that you are giving up self and your purpose.

Luck was on my side as I have folk pulling for me on this level and on a higher one. There was also that deep feeling that I must help, not run away. Things said had to be honored and fought for.

My sworn promise: ain’t gonna pull that stunt again. I know to reach out when I am hurt. To curl up in my bower and focus on what is important and gently heal.

Be Blessed my friends. Never worry about me unless I call Pax, I need a breather.

We have a war to fight.

They will be coming for us soon, those of us that continue the fight of the Status Quo. They can’t find me yet… I have a different ID than that who I am. When I return to my house, they will know where to find me.

I will surrender as a person who lives by the Constitution. I am sworn to protect the ideas of this document, and the peoples it is to protect.

I have been in jail; for my beliefs and what I protect. Looks like soon I will be there again.  Continue the fight and not worry for me. This is my stand.

There are times some of us must stand. The Hippies (who I was with), backed down against to Power. I never backed down… That’s why I am here now… I fight.

Look at what we are fighting for and make your decisions: do you desire an Empire where you have no choice, or a Democracy where you have a chance to do what you believe?

It is your choice, but those of us who fight will continue. Can you join us?

It’s been almost 10 months since Betts passed away. I have spent that time in a Home resting, building my body back up and getting some things fixed that were ignored for years. I have also had time to ponder the Future and how I wish to spend the rest of my life. As much as I may gripe about this lull in action, it was very much needed for me.

I have had two long-term relationships in my life: the first with the Ex for 9 years and the second with Betty that in various ways lasted 12 years. The Ex’s wasn’t horrible, but it had to focus around her, her family and her friends.It was tolerable and there was companionship. It just wasn’t centered on love.(She divorced me when I received my TS diagnosis.) I have no feelings one way or other about that period.

Now my relationship with Betty was very different: it was loving, funny and a good ride. We bought property, went through the Federal Flood and have restored most of what was destroyed during that disaster. We had arguments and sometimes hurt each others’ feelings, but all was made fine in the end. We were both in our Transitions and in a sense young with all the emotional baggage that comes with that stage. We were good for each other. Betty taught me alot about living and I kept her laughing.

We did things together and were almost never apart. Best friends is a good way to put it. During the last few years we seemed to become more home-bound and old lady-like. Still it was good. I finally got used to her announcements concerning her culinary skills, “This is absolutely the best dish of its kind ever made”, to her use of the word “We” which was spelled as m-o-r-w-e-n. She got used to the fact that I could vanish in an  eye-blink and could be mercurial in response to certain things. She also came to know that I was her helpmate and sometimes I liked to have little things go my way at times.

Now I wish we had done a picnic in the Park on a workday, a drive through the swamps and I wish I had agreed to go with her up the California Coast to a resort she loved whilst we were out there. We will never ride the riverboats North to Pittsburgh, the city she so wanted to show me. The train ride that would get us to Glacier Park is still sitting on the tracks, fires banked and empty.

We did get to see the Saints win the Super Bowl together. Me lying in the hospital with a broken hip and you faithfully coming to me every night. Little did I know then that the curtain would start slowly closing in just a few months for the last stage of our adventure.

Then she was gone from me months later. All those missed adventures have to wait until I get off this rock and join her wherever the hell she is.

So now I sit here thinking about what’s next. I am taking over the house and finishing the work on the rentals. I am anchored here in New Orleans, but I won’t be trapped in a house. I am going to have a modest Social life. I will have those picnics and train rides. I will only wear black when I want to. Betts wouldn’t want me to fade away… as if that is possible. She’d want me to continue walking my Path in order to finally make it to her.

Bumper stickers expressing my views will be on the car (not allowed: someone may shoot us), and I will travel for Protest work and keep after it (“No you can’t be gone 5 days”). Our special days will always be celebrated and on Christmas Eve I will light the candle for both her and her Grandmother. Yes I will have a tree and decorate it. The turkey wings will always be put aside for her unless the cats get them first. I will only go to Cafe Degas alone so I can remember that first date just as if it was happening all over again.

All these things will be done, but this time I will be alone: an independent woman just continuing on with Life on this plane. The memories are carried in my heart and will never fade. I will remain Morwen and continue in my old ways as a wild witch, crazed activist, old hippie sort of gal like I was over 20 years ago. Same old gal, but aged and much wiser thanks to Betts.

I love you Sweetie. Always will. When I am finished here we will be together again. Your Lord and my Lady sanction that. And no parting again. Didn’t you always tell folks that we were a “package deal”? I thought so.

Okay, “Life” part 5. Let’s raise the curtain. This crone has to hit the stage running, the Book of Morwen under my arm and my Owl staff in hand. Where’s my broom?

Time for another adventure.

and the floodwalls built by the Corpse of Engineers fucking fell down.

Seventy-five percent of New Orleans was under water.

Today I remember the pain and loss we all felt. I remember those who died then and those who died later from this experience. My heart aches for those who had to leave their beloved city.

I remain in New Orleans. The Flood took so much: Betts, memories. I must remain here because I won’t let the Reaper or idiots win. My passing shall be on my terms and the Lady shall oversee it all.

So on this day I salute all who have worked to rebuild our New Orleans, and who insanely stand for Her as the waters come. We belong to New Orleans, and Her Fate is ours. Without us She doesn’t exist and without Her we can’t be ourselves. Call it a symbiotic relationship.

We are the Faithful. We are New Orleanians.

Today marks nine years since Betty moved from Coral Springs, FL to New Orleans to live with me.

She called me in late July that year and told me to book a train or a bus to get to her to pack her up. Wound up with a bus and 22 hours travel time, but I got there. (Looked like hell) She stepped out of her car and hugged me. Took me to a late dinner and drove me to her house.

Seven days later I had packed the truck with her stuffs. She had just started to work from her home as a salesperson for her company and couldn’t help me. We drove straight through to New Orleans towing her old Buick. (I actually ate at a Cracker Barrel on the trip)

We arrived in a 116 degree heat index and moved everything into my home. It was a labor of love. My “Other half” was with me then. We had Po’Boys from Gene’s that night.

Betty is gone now, as are almost all of the things we had back then. The things were taken by the Federal Flood of ’05 and she died last Christmas… but the house and myself still survive.

I survive…

Today Betts, I remember the gift you gave me: you believed in me and trusted me. I wish you were still here, but that cannot be. I hold the fort for both of us.

I will continue to fight for, and help folks, just like what you wanted me to do, and I will never cease in my love for you.

I am here and you are in the Summer Country… in time I WILL be with you. ‘Til then I walk the path, do my work and yearn for you.

It is the only thing I can do.

Betty- I love you sweetheart, and I always will. And one day we will be hand-in-hand again. (And World? Look out when that comes to pass.)

I haaven’t sleet for 7 months.

I a, so exshaausted/..

Betts’ Memorial: Mimi’s in the Marigny, Jan 5, 2011, 6PM. Secondline to 919 Spain St and back to Mimi’s. Please Paypal donations for the band to river.dharma@gmail.com. All donations appreciated. I’m posting here for all of Morwen and Betts’ out of town friends. Morwen, please pass this around to anyone you think needs the info. ?

It was a week ago today. She spent 5 months in the hospital and they brought herhome 2 weeks agoand I cared for her here.

Friends are putting together the memorial since I am worn out and so tired.

I am alone now.