Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

September 3, 2011

The Storm in My Soul

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,Our House — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:10 am

Tonight a tropical storm is coming in on the Looziana coast just like the storm that has been creeping into my dreams, hopes and soul for many days. The rains and winds are mounting outside just like the questions and doubts from my inner maelstrom: when this over, what is going to become of me? Where will I go and what will be my final end?

I have lived four lives. One was the one of a cherished child who loved learning and having experiences. A life that was run by questions about everything and a desire to learn all of the answers. In many ways it was a charmed life… there were no expectations for me outside of me becoming myself. It was a very wonderful period in this child’s life. I had dreams of doing things that would make things better for all folk. Ideals were my road posts.

Then life started changing when we all get to that certain age: we are no longer children and it is time for us to grow into what we were meant to become. That is when I first started feeling doubt, that insidious thing that enters one and can possibly consume one’s being. I didn’t like it and tried to figure what why this? Why can’t I be or feel like the others? What says that I have to be alone and in a form of exile? I hadn’t even been around long enough in order for me to commit a crime against my self that would result in that punishment. Who can determine that I do not have a place in this World?

For thirty years I had to live with that. I became a person who fit no mold and yet held all of them. A lithe androgyne with long flowing hair and silver jewelry who would walk anywhere and into almost anything being brave and in confidence and also knowing that the fear was real. I paid for taking the middle path: beatings, rape and the constant knowledge that someone like me could be seen only as a negligible side-show of Humanity. I still didn’t “know” me but I was proud of the way I tried to walk the Path.

Then there was an interrum, a nine year period when I attempted to be what I had always been commanded to be and yet could never accept. It really didn’t work. I learned of deep lies and duplicities, committed by both me and my spouse. I learned how to hurt people who cast an odd gaze in my direction. I understood how to hate… all because I stood on the wrong side of the equation.

The end of that existence came to a split second in Time when I realized that my life had been composed of three acts, and none of them were the true play. And at that moment I decided to pull the curtain down on the show a voice sounded: “You have too much to do!”.

That was The Epiphany: The Answer.

These last ten years have been lived as my trueself., with the constant hope of compassion, mindlfuless and kindliness to all who are, or seek to be , themselves. To aid people to be able to realize their Being became most important to me. I am no saint: I’m HUMAN. And yet I serve the goal.

The Goddess provided for me in the person who called herself Betty. We complimented each other and pushed each other. Both of us learned the fact that limits are just limits. And limits of Being are wrong.  So we lived our lives as ourselves and worked to help others find their own way.

We bought property that would become a thing that would continue for us through our days and after we had passed become a haven for people of our tribe: a safe house, learning center and meeting place. The Federal Flood of New Orleans all but destroyed the place. Over five years we got it to about 80% completion and then my Betty took ill and died after a horrible eight months. After her passing I fell down my own rabbit hole of health, despair and grief.

Tonight the storm rages. I am alone and yet have friends. I will never have another person like Betty… pairings such as that are too rare in Heaven or on Earth. There are three options I face: give up our dream, save it or vanish. Give up the dream has merits as does completeing it, but certain things need to fall in place for me to do either. I have taken care of these other things.

What I don’t have is an abundance of time to waste making either of those things happen. Something must come soon to give me that chance. I cannot remain in this rest home… with breathing space I can make either of the first options viable.  I will have the means. I need breathing space. I need flexibility. Betty was both my defender and my champion. Betty saw me as the one who followed the Lady and had to be protected. I no longer have her beside me. A major part of me was wounded with her and perished. It has taken time and thought to think of which Path shall be the better walked. As much as this hurts my pride, I need a Champion.

There are things I have and can do, and others have different skills

And I need to get out of the rest home, or I will not be able to walk any Path.

I need some help. Whether it is survival as a free soul or making the Center truth… anything beats non-existence. The Goddess says there is still much to do.

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