Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

October 6, 2012

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?

Filed under: Inter/Trans-Sexed,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:40 pm

How Did the Girl Get Out of the Tomb?

 

The girl was entombed in 1992 when I got married.  It was in my mind that having a wife would “cure” me. Still I had to try it. Should’ve known better considering how much I had studied the subject. After nine years of marriage I was starting to see myself becoming an empty shell again.  Attention to all things in Life was waning.

 

I had bought a computer in ’98 and enjoyed playing around with the immense Web. There were various sites and chats that I would participate in. The Trans chats were special times for me and I enjoyed reading thoughts and plans of others in their Transitions and the hopes of others who really wanted to start their own changes.

 

Giving up my Transition plans in the ‘80s I saw as fear of losing my job, but it was more than that. Here were folks that overcame the fears and went forward with their lives. They moved their spirits in the direction of finding themselves as being who they were meant to be. I had yet to have the epiphany that the only way I could be whole required me to walk the Path.

 

One August afternoon in 2001, I was sitting on the bed thinking about things. The next moment I had our shotgun in my lap.  My thoughts were all over the landscape. Staring at the gun was almost hypnotic. It was the center of everything at that moment. I was crumbling right then. It was time to give up. No more pain please.

 

Then a feminine voice sounded all through the apartment; “You have much more to do”.

 

I removed the shells and put it all away. I sat there for a time trying to sort this out and then grabbed the phone. My call was to my therapist. She asked if things were okay and I said, “Remember the girl thing?” She said yes, and I told her, “I think she just handed me the shotgun.”

 

“Are you okay?” I told her yes. “What do you want to do?” I told her that I needed to have a resolution on this from a psychologist. “Is tomorrow okay?”

 

“I’ll be there Darlin’.”

 

The evening found me quiet and thoughtful. I saw myself walking on a narrow ledge high up on a mountain. I stumbled a few times and grabbed the cliff face to steady myself. The winds kept pushing me forward along the path. I was heading toward something that would change my life forever. I couldn’t go backwards. The wizard was waiting for me.

 

Sleep that night was all dreams of me as the girl reliving the adventures and the happiness I felt then. I saw all the places both of us had gone to as one. Nice dinners, movies, music cafes and the nights sharing pizzas in motels. Dancing in strange places and the kinetic thrill of the dance moves was awesome. The cabbies bringing me home and saying “Goodnight Miss.” as I let myself into my various homes. Peace.

 

I had made several friends in cyber. All were different, but one, Betty Ann Davis became a dear friend. She kept up with me via cell and cyber. We could talk about any and every thing. She was worried when I told her about the shotgun, happy for me going to get my diagnosis and mystified somewhat by the sudden change in me. I told her I was becoming me. That kept her thinking for a long time.

 

In the morning I made a lunch for my wife at work and told her that I would be running errands later in the day. We didn’t have cell phones yet and it made vanishing easier.  This way I could just focus on the task I set myself the day before.

 

I was nervous getting ready for my appointment. This isn’t a mental disorder, or is it? Maybe my psych wouldn’t like what I was becoming.  Am I heading to a psych ward?

 

No. I knew too much concerning the subject. In San Francisco my old therapist said she was pretty sure about me, but I never returned to get a proper diagnosis because I chickened out. I wouldn’t run from this. Not this time. Running away led to death. Accepting what was coming was Life.

 

Since I had four hours to go before my appointment I decided to take a nap. I fell asleep right away. I thought I heard Chelsea calling me as I drifted off.

 

Then she appeared to me and said it was time. She was smiling brightly. I asked her what she meant by that.

 

Chelsea then told me in a quiet voice that this was the proper thing to do. She was being gentle with me. In her hands I had no choice. And I was under her control. She said that she needed healing too. I had a fear that I would vanish. She said, “There is nothing to fear Honey.” as I saw her hands reaching for mine.

 

Yes, Chelsea had escaped the tomb to save me and had me now. Everything then fell into place: she was me. Not another persona, I was her from now on.She was always me, and that thought pleased me. I couldn’t think about how part of me was, in a sense, separated from me for so long. What had caused the split? I no longer saw us as separate.

 

Everything she had ever said about this singular point in time was happening to me. I saw how I had been caught the first time I answered her voice. I spent so much time being with her I could barely separate us in my thoughts any more. She stood there smiling in victory. “We started together and we will continue as one from now on.” Slowly she dissolved in my mind’s eye and resurfaced in me. I was crying with joy as my two parts became one. My being was born again whole. I uttered a small prayer of thanks to the Lady.

 

I decided to use my cyber name as my own: Morwen, the Dark Maiden. Morwen was Chelsea and me grown up. We had gone through good and bad together. In a way we had pulled each other’s tushes out of the fire many times. Morwen was both of us fused back into one person. It was a completion. Both of us were getting our wishes.

 

Yes, I had my epiphany. “Warp Ten Mr. Sulu.”

 

My psychologist turned out to be a nice man, a little shorter and younger than me. We discussed the matter at hand and came to a deal: I come in for a few days in order to take tests, and he would do homework to better understand the subject. We shook hands on it and I started on a test.

 

This went on for four days. We had some long talks about things and about me. I had to dig into my life to answer truthfully. My adventures kept him laughing. With some tales he remarked that that was a dangerous move. I responded with “I had to do something.”

 

On the fifth day he handed me my diagnosis. Everything was normal except he wrote that I had a tendency to self-medicate. (Big surprise, yeah right.) The last statement said that “Patient meets the standard of the DSM as a transsexual, barring Intersex conditions”.

 

I was right. A huge sigh confirmed to him that I was okay with this. I thanked him and then stopped by my therapist’s office. She was happy and then asked me how I was going to move forward. That was going to be hard. I had to tell my wife first thing. Being honest with my wife was important, and then I will take my steps forward. She agreed.

 

After a nice dinner I told my wife about the tests and then handed her the diagnosis. As she read it her frown grew larger. I said that we can talk about it and I wasn’t going to do anything just yet. She stayed quiet and away from me the rest of the evening.  I was sad about all of this, but she had to come to grips with it. Those pages set me on an even keel in Life. Unfortunately she saw it as upsetting our applecart, which was true.

 

The next week was quiet and we pretty much stayed to ourselves. It hurt that my finding the peace I sought for years was hurtful to another. I would still be myself, but in a different wrapper. Leaving her was not in my plan.

 

Then one night she came to me in a real determined mood. She announced she had filed for divorce two days after my announcement. She told me her attorney told her she had to tell me because I was going to get a subpoena from the court. I asked her what were the terms and she said that it was irreconcilable differences. She took what she came with and I took what was mine. We would split the fruits of our marriage and go our own ways.

 

“Sounds fair to me Hon. I’m sorry this is too much for you, but I must be real.”

 

I told her that she didn’t need an attorney for this. She looked sheepish after that comment. She had wasted hundreds of dollars for this.

 

Then she asked where I was going to go and I said New Orleans. I refuse to spend more time in the Mid-West. I hate it here. The only reason I am here was because of your desires. Now I go where I wish. She just nodded.

 

The following month saw some heated clashes and then it settled down. I planned a round trip on the “City of New Orleans” to check the place out. It had been many years since I had been there with Chelsea. My wife quit her job. (Bad timing?)

 

The trip was a blast. My sister picked me up and drove to Mobile where she lived. I met her Hubby and the two nieces… the girls called me Aunt Morwen. They are very special to me for that and their good souls. I felt so welcome there.

 

I returned to New Orleans and just wandered around. The city had changed and there was another bridge over the Mississippi that I didn’t know about, but I met fellow travelers in various bars and clubs. Yep, I knew I would be fine there. It was time to make arrangements.

 

BTW- Betty was on the phone with me all through the trip. She was mesmerized by my descriptions of the place and she wanted to live here. I had a good feeling that she would make the move. My cyber friends liked my plans.

 

I returned to Indiana and started packing. Hard to do when you have several thousand books and many albums. The place started to look like a warehouse. I was also trying to rent a place in New Orleans. Betty helped in telling the property manager that I wanted the house I saw on the Web. No inspection needed.

 

I set the date; early March right after my birthday.

 

The movers had my stuff and I rented a SUV. My brother and his son were coming with me and they would return the vehicle. Cats, computer and some clothes came with me. (Betts had sold me an IBM and I gave the other computer to my ex.)

 

My last direct talk with my ex was next. I told her I still had love for her and that I was so sorry it had come to this. Her response was “They are going to kill you in New Orleans”. I said, watch me.

 

The drive started in a near blizzard so I let my brother drive. In Kentucky it turned to rain so I took over. Non-stop we rolled south.

 

I wanted to get to my new place as quickly as I could.

 

Twenty hours later we were at the house. It was a big old place. We unloaded my stuff and they took off for Mobile. I was home, free and ready to start a new life. I kept hugging myself as I set the computer up. Then I went online and told friends that I was here. Once again there was happiness.

 

Later that night the girl walked into a Gay-Leather-Levi motorcycle bar. She started shooting pool as if she belonged there. She did of course.

1 Comment »

  1. Hi, I came across your site and wasn’t able to get an email address to contact you about a broken link on your site. Please email me back and I would be happy to point them out to you.

    Thanks!

    Aaron Grey
    aarongrey112@gmail.com

    Comment by Aaron — November 25, 2012 @ 11:53 pm

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