Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

November 29, 2008

Been A Hard Three Days

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 10:42 pm

I pulled off Thanksgiving. Food came out great, but I had to keep going back to bed. I’m freakin’ tired. Truth be told, I think I’m dying, but things are feeling better now. I’m just worn out.

This is not about my HIV… those little buggers always gift me with pneumonia when they are acting up. This ain’t Hep-C, I know what hepatitis feels like. It is something so simple that it is pathetic.

I am bleeding way too much everyday. It comes from when a “friend” drugged me and then spent 8 hours raping me (introducing me to Gay Culture) whilst chained to the floor. My bottom never really healed up. Wasn’t too bad until after the Federal Flood of New Orleans and me getting into the fray again.

I held out to see Betts and I back into the house. She put it together and my job was to support her and to fight for New Orleans. Once we got home I hoped to make through the Holidays which is her favorite time of the year. I enjoy the look in her eyes when I hang the lights and when we are cooking together. I love to see her in her Santa hat dancing to Christmas music. (Which I hate.)

Ain’t gonna happen this year. I’m going to be shipped out to Jackson or Houston to have a doc laser my butt. There will be doctors lecturing me about my health and me responding that I can handle it. Remember, they said I’d be dead in ’95.  I have this thing about fucking with predictions. Losing the battle is not in my game plan. I’ve won battles and lost them… lost many friends in the course of the years and it hurts. I’m the Phouka’s own whelp and will continue to fight another day. I owe it to my friends who are long gone.

If this procedure is to be done, I’ll be gone for a time. I don’t have a working laptop so I’ll be out of the loop. This hurts me more than my body going crazy. The fight is what keeps me going. That is my reason for living, otherwise, the Summer Country is an enticing thought, but I’m not ready for that trip.

So I’ll make my decision in the next 48 hours. And I’ll post about it.

November 24, 2008

Conviction Of The Heart…

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:09 am

Yesterday I wrote about Harvey Milk and the value of his words in reference to California’s Proposition 8 that was passed by a slim margin. Basically this was a way for the Christian Right, along with the Mormons, to skirt around a State Supreme Court ruling that the LGBT community had rights. I was remembering my efforts when we defeated Prop 6 in Cali thirty years ago.

Then Editilla left a comment on that post-

“And you were there. Why am I not surprised. I am not surprised. Goddess takes care of fools and errant troubadours thank you very much, so why not a warrior princess of the long run?

Thanks you so much for such a wonderful confirmation of the reality of change… it being in such short shrift these days.
I mean, not just in this great post… but in you, your bad ass self.”

It got me to thinking… why the Hell do I seem to be in the nexus of certain  conflicts? All I have ever wanted was peace and quiet and the ability to tend my own garden.  To just be Morwen cooking and planting things.  To just be myself.

I decide to come out and return to my beloved New Orleans only to have the Federal Flood wreck our home. To be in exile. To have to deal with carpetbaggers for almost three years. To help create a neighborhood association that is actually starting to assert itself. To hook up with folks that I never could have dreamed of meeting, much less becoming friends with.

I’d like to credit Spirituality, but it’s more than that. I wound up in so many scenarios that no one would have envisioned for a kid from the Gulf Coast. Yes I am intelligent. Yes I’m a good researcher. Yes I have been in certain places at certain times to witness/experience many things.

I can’t explain why this has been my reality. I never sought this.

Truth be known- I’d rather be digging dirt for my gardens, petting my cats, giving my Betty backrubs, cooking food for my friends rather than being the bitch I have been forced to be. I wanted to be mellow, but our current World cannot accomadate mellow folks. It requires fighters.

Years ago I stated that I was no longer a warrior… I just wanted to be a healer and teacher. Well that went right down the drainpipe. All I wanted was to hug my Honey, kiss my friends and shoot pool. That’s all.

It ain’t happening, and I’m not getting younger. I’m getting tired. I’m terminally ill. (Yes, I was supposed to die back in ’95, but I’m a stubborn bitch) , and I have had to wear the mantle of warrior again. Things I believe in must be defended.

This is all about conviction of the heart. One can be anywhere and see injustice. One can always fight like Hell to correct those things. It’s about whether you actually take on the enemy. I believe in taking on the enemy.

I keep hearing the Byrds, “Turn, turn, turn”.

Yes I am tired, but I am not dead, and yes I will continue to fight. That’s called “Conviction of the Heart”.

And I will continue. There is no other path to walk.

Blessed Be!

Blessed Be!

November 17, 2008

Okay, I’ve Been Tagged…

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:02 pm

Polimom started this, and hooked NOLASlate into the process. This not something I do, but for once (since I am always baring my soul) here goes-

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Random things about myself-

1. I talk to everything- inanimate objects, fish, plants. You should see me with grocery carts.

2. Toys are my fav, especially when I’m in the bathtub. And no, ya’s can’t play with my submarine, it’s exploring.

3. I love fur-lined handcuffs and a paddle. (You get to imagine how they are used, and on whom)

4. A good game of billiards is orgasmic to me.

5. My sense of fashion is not the best with my friends. The NOLA Blogger gals have already informed me of that. (What’s wrong with white stockings?)

6. Being in the hot tub naked and waving at the passengers on the Sunset Limited as it goes by is fun. Having the neighbors see that might not be much fun. (especially if whipped cream is involved)

So now I have to tag six others… I’ll make them food since I’m doing this.

DangerBlond Walking on thin ice here.

Adrastos This will be good.

DotCalm Sophmom is a good egg.

Jezelbell’s Riot A good woman who we must bring into the fold.

Library Chronicles. Just cause I wanna see his reaction.

YatPundit. This should be a hoot.

I Lost an Idol Today…

Filed under: Aside,Elitism,Fools,Fuckmooks,Gore Vidal,Insanity,Racism — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:05 am

This piece was started days ago, but I kept arguing with myself about finishing it. Much of my belief system stems from what I learned from this man, but only now do I see that my hero has feet of clay…

I lost a beloved hero today- Gore Vidal. In an interview with Andrew Gumbel who asked him about Obama as president, Vidal replied “Slaves have a hard time making poetry,” he said, relishing the shock factor, “unless it’s got a beat.”

Now Vidal makes pithy statements all of the time. It’s one reason I liked him. He has a wonderful mind and the ability to see through the B/S that befuddle others, but this time he showed his fucking soul- he’s an aristocratic, Racist fuckmook.

“Slaves”? Fuck you and your supposed airs. Fuck the fact that you have perfect diction and a good mind. Fuck the assertion that your forebearers helped “shape” this nation since 1690 (and we have seen where that “shaping” has brought us.). Fuck you for believing that you are the ne plus ultra and the rest of us are chattel.

Believe it or not Mr. Vidal, you are a symptom of the sickness that is “Real America”. Your white-bread roots are not America… those of us who toil each and every day taking care of our lives and families are the true Americans, not your effete “distinguished” bloodlines. Even though you rail away about the classicism of America, you consider yourself to be a Patrician. Sorry Darlin’, you are not. You are not far removed from the Racist rednecks that hang or burn Black folk.

My people have been here in New Orleans since the early 1700′s. My father’s line came over with William Penn to create Philadelphia and Pennsylvania (In fact my ancestor was Penn’s estate manager). My folks were farmers, artisans and fishing people. None of my line were famous, but all of them lived honorable lives. People like them are the true elite of America, not your kind of “elite”. (and no, this is not “Joe the Plumber” shit)

Elitists? I consider my self in that “class”. I am educated, experienced and continue to grow further in that segment of my life. I know much of the World because I have been there, on the ground and in the grind. I have also worked hard to provide service and keep my life together. My life has as it’s main focus to help those who are trying to grow and become, no matter what that entails. I have served my country proudly, but not for the likes of you and yours… I did it for the folks that I truly believe are the heart and soul of America. Often I disagree with them on many social issues, but they have my respect for being just who they are- American folk.

So Mr. Vidal, where the fuck do you get off deriding Barack Obama’s self-made life by that fucking statement, “Slaves have a hard time making poetry, unless it’s got a beat.”? And you consider Harry Truman to be a helot?

You Mr. Vidal, with all the respect that I have left, are just like what my tribes call Triple A Gays- those who look down at most of the community and constantly trashing us. Those mooks couldn’t be bothered to help for the community’s rights, and none of us mattered personally to them. We are just worker bees to the queens. (Examples are evident in the “Tales of the City” series.)

You sir are nothing more than an effete, snobbish, over-educated, connected boor. Yes you know things, many of them, but you come to wrong applications of your knowledge when viewing your fellow Human Beings. I believed that you possesed a spirit that cared for others by telling truth about History and the matters of Culture.

I now know I was wrong. There is something missing from your pronouncements- you hold Humanity in a sense of contempt because we are not you. We are bugs to the likes of your kind. Your kind is the wheat and we are the chaff.

My mother used to say that you can know everything and yet not be wise. Wisdom comes from true experience, not something read in a book or told to you. Wisdom is the harsh gift that comes from facing the daily grind, the murders, deaths from illness and the fight required to live a life in this country. In other words, wisdom comes from real experience, not a slide-show. Life cannot rely just on one’s score on a class exam, it comes from what you do with what you have learned.

And that in turn depends upon the content of your character and the bent of your heart. Remember that we are judged by our works. It ain’t a Bible thing, but a thing those of us who really live use as our guideposts in negotiating the currents of Life. I saw you as a beacon. Now all I see is a shallow, educated  but unknowledgeable fool.

So today we part paths. You just observe, but I live Life. Your sight is only of pages or a screen from your tower… what I see is my hands in the muck and the blood trying to understand and accept it all. The feel, the smell, horror, joy and enjoyment of just being is my gift, but all of those things escape you. The world you inhabit is a fairy place floating in the clouds.

Those of us who live have our feet on the ground.

September 19, 2008

Move Is Finished

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Morwen Madrigal @ 4:44 am

Well, except for one bike, everything has been moved from the dumpster to the Fortress. A girlfriend of ours is finishing the cleaning of the old place since there’s a lout, homeless, jobless, and very hating of Moi staying behind the cottage. (He pulled a half inch razor knife against me and I pulled my four incher out. I have never met someone so full of hate. He will not look me in the eyes… I think he hates women.) We are now done with that cesspool and it’s inhabitants.

Now it’s time to unpack the stuff here in the rebuilt house, move the washer and dryer back downstairs and make clean laundry. I’m tired of doing tub laundry. Having a lifestyle akin to the Third World is very old. been there and done that. I’m too old to continue that way.

Bought a few plants the other night- a Monstera Deliciosa and an Iron Plant. It is so nice to see greenery around me. House actually has light, and I have never felt so alive. (The dumpster had no light.) I’m teaching the katz to not eat my plants… like that’s gonna work.I’m grooving on the little bit of greenery around me. This is something I have missed for three years.

Finally I’m moving the Treehouse and this Blog to a new Host. It is a pain since I’m not clear on many aspects of this, but if I have some peace and quiet, I just might pull this off. There’s way too much going on here for me to focus.

So what can I say? Betts and I have moved back to our home. There’s been three hurricanes in the last month or so, and we are trying to survive. Guess that’s Life in New Orleans. Maybe we should go to Seafood City so’s I can make some gumbo. Always picks my spirit up. (And Damn do I love our first stove in three years!) And can I put the spice cabinet together…

Just another day in Paradise.

August 11, 2008

Isaac Hayes is Dead

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 12:42 am

This hurts.

August 8, 2008

As Elton John Put It , “The Bitch Is Back”

Filed under: Aside — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 4:17 pm

Five days offline, and I almost lost it. Now I’m using cable and this thing flies.

Now I must go and set my primaries with this ISP.

BTW- We passed our final inspection today. We move back into our home next week.

July 24, 2008

This Made Me Cry…

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:16 am

I don’t know what else to say. I love critters, even if they can eat me.

July 21, 2008

The Lost Weekend

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:03 pm

Last Friday morning I was awakened by the sound of a frieght train in my left ear. My tinnitus had returned. I was dizzy and pretty much not good for anything. Even cancelled a meet up with a visitor.

Saturday we went to the house to wipe things down and sweep up construction debris in order to have it look nice for our final inspection. Halfway through this the heat sickness started up on me. I finally just sat on the porch and let the cool breeze bring down my temperature. We went home and I collapsed.

Sunday we went back to finish up, and I wound up being curled on the front seat of the car half awake. Later we came home and I threw myself on the bed feeling really freakin’ sick. Even today I’m still feeling the effects.

Years ago I had to take meds for my HIV and they all had different side effects. AZT caused me to have several bouts of heat stroke since my body could not sweat. Each time you have this happen, it happens again  with even worse reactions. I feel as though I had been hit by a big truck.

July 13, 2008

I Fucking Hate the NOPD

Filed under: Aside — Morwen Madrigal @ 1:26 am

I did my piece earlier… thought it was gone from my soul, but it fucking ain’t. I’m mother-fucking pissed off with this shit.

Many years ago your’s truly was “Homeless”.  A friend noticed that I was still wearing the same clothes for two days and invited me to stay with him until I got back on my feet. I fixed his stove, made his dinners and cleaned his apartment. When the S.F. Examiner hired me, he made me stay a few more weeks in order for me to create a war chest for the Future. (I will always praise John Brown for that help) I never stopped after that.

I remember a friend that believed and cared for me, and I couldn’t let him down. He gave me the platform that started the rest of my freakn’ life.

A few years later I worked with the S.F. Mayors Office on homeless issues. I did what I could, but circumantances vary from person to person. I helped a few, but many I could not help, and they went where-ever.

What is happening in our city is a cleansing of those who don’t have much. I don’t have shit, but Betty takes care of me.  This is what good folks do:help the others… the Social Contract.

It is our duty to help those who are , shall we say,  not able to get their shit together. John Brown gave me the platform to move forward, and what I am doing is in his honor. I care, and I always will care. (spend a night sleeping under the bushes in a park…)

NOPD’s targeting of the Homeless is a fucking sin and a disgrace. What kind of fucking low-lives are these shits?  Don’t want to go there.

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