I pulled off Thanksgiving. Food came out great, but I had to keep going back to bed. I’m freakin’ tired. Truth be told, I think I’m dying, but things are feeling better now. I’m just worn out.
This is not about my HIV… those little buggers always gift me with pneumonia when they are acting up. This ain’t Hep-C, I know what hepatitis feels like. It is something so simple that it is pathetic.
I am bleeding way too much everyday. It comes from when a “friend” drugged me and then spent 8 hours raping me (introducing me to Gay Culture) whilst chained to the floor. My bottom never really healed up. Wasn’t too bad until after the Federal Flood of New Orleans and me getting into the fray again.
I held out to see Betts and I back into the house. She put it together and my job was to support her and to fight for New Orleans. Once we got home I hoped to make through the Holidays which is her favorite time of the year. I enjoy the look in her eyes when I hang the lights and when we are cooking together. I love to see her in her Santa hat dancing to Christmas music. (Which I hate.)
Ain’t gonna happen this year. I’m going to be shipped out to Jackson or Houston to have a doc laser my butt. There will be doctors lecturing me about my health and me responding that I can handle it. Remember, they said I’d be dead in ’95. I have this thing about fucking with predictions. Losing the battle is not in my game plan. I’ve won battles and lost them… lost many friends in the course of the years and it hurts. I’m the Phouka’s own whelp and will continue to fight another day. I owe it to my friends who are long gone.
If this procedure is to be done, I’ll be gone for a time. I don’t have a working laptop so I’ll be out of the loop. This hurts me more than my body going crazy. The fight is what keeps me going. That is my reason for living, otherwise, the Summer Country is an enticing thought, but I’m not ready for that trip.
So I’ll make my decision in the next 48 hours. And I’ll post about it.
Take care of yourself for a while. NOLA can hold the line. Be there for Betts and all of us for as long and as well as you can.
I’ll help you both in any way I can. If you need anything, you know where to find me. Hang in there, you miraculous mixed up creature.
Comment by greg p — November 30, 2008 @ 12:35 am
Ahh Darlin’, this ain’t poop compared to my previous scrapes. I’ll just have to deal with a doc wielding a laser at my bare bottom.
That’s going to be an experience of a lifetime. “Jedi Knight sticks light saber up girl’s tush”. I’m hoping they have good drugs or there could be major mayhem.
But thanks for the thoughts. And who knows, I might actually like it. LOL
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — November 30, 2008 @ 3:09 am
Good luck on your trip. Lost my little brother to AIDS in ’90. He was the famous one in the family (John Maguiness dedicated “Cross to Bear” to him, his picture in “Last Hayride”). I appreciate and admire your participation in life. I just lost an ex-girlfriend to suicide and have to wonder how some people get so self-absorbed. Different mental chemistry, I guess. Get back to us soon.
Comment by David — November 30, 2008 @ 10:21 am
I’m so sorry to learn this David. The years of the AIDS Crisis were a madhouse. Being a caregiver and activist then almost pushed me to the brink. I was the last person many of those folks saw as they died.
It wouldn’t be until ’92 that I was diagnosed. By then I’d had HIV for 8 years. My mental state was not very good for a few years. After pulling out of my last visit to AIDSLand in ’96, something changed.
Yes I get tired. Strange things happen medically, but overall I’m a medical mystery. My docs still shake their heads over the fact that I make it through.
Guess it’s the luck of the draw.
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — November 30, 2008 @ 10:56 am
Wow, I am so sorry to hear about your struggles! You are obviously a strong and courageous person.
And, WHOA!, with “friends” like that….good lord have mercy! How on earth did you ever survive that? I think I would have gone “postal”.
I lost several of my friends in the early 90′s to AIDS, even a set of twin brothers! They got it from the same guy (of course). They were such an incredible, artistic, talented duo. A real loss to the world.
Good luck to you…and since you mentioned light sabers…may the force be with you!!! (okay..BAD joke!…I am a goofball!)
Comment by Susan — November 30, 2008 @ 2:26 pm
You don’t know me from Adam, but I check your blog every day…even left a comment or two. Anyway, if Jackspn happens to be where you land, that’s where I am, and I have a laptop so you wouldn’t have to be totally cut off from everyone. It’s bad enough to be laid up in the hospital without being away from friends and support too.
Feel free to email me and I’ll reiterate the offer.
Comment by delta — November 30, 2008 @ 2:50 pm
Susan, I was an anomaly in the Castro community back then- I gave a damn about my clerks and my friends even though I refused to sleep with them. They never knew about my other life and I kept it that way since Trans folk weren’t that popular in the area.
Survival is what I’m good at- survived Rheumatic Fever, blindness from a brain infection, drowning, electrocution, a 120′ fall down some cliffs, a blizzard in the wilderness and many bouts of pneumonia. That’s not even counting the massive radiation exposure in the military.
In times like this when I feel like a dead thing, I just remember that I’ve made it through many things. All things considered, I’ve had an interesting and good life.
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — November 30, 2008 @ 4:30 pm
I have never loved you more than after reading this post. You’re a trooper for this city, but she needs you to be healthy. We need you to be healthy. HUGS to my girl.
Comment by Maitri — November 30, 2008 @ 9:05 pm
Delta, I’ll know in a few days what is to be done. Thank you for the kind offer, and if needed, I’ll email you.
Maitri, Hugs back to you. I will always remember the talk we had at Rising Tide I. Even though I had been living as myself for years, it was a cathartic experience. Y’all ain’t losing me for a long time.
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — December 1, 2008 @ 3:48 am
Good gracious, I don’t keep up with RSS and the world starts to fall apart.
Hang in there, take care of yourself, and be well! Whatever it is you are doing has gotten you this far, so you obviously know well what you need and how to get it. Please reach out if you could use some extra hands to pull through.
Comment by Holly — December 2, 2008 @ 3:02 pm
Holly, will do Darlin’.
Betts kept asking me for days “Do you want me to take you to the hospital/”, and my response was “Just let me see where this is going”. The problem is waning for a time. (this scenario happens every few months)
I have to turn my focus onto myself in order to avoid REALLY getting into bad shape. Since my ‘puter is down I read a few books, putzed around the kitchen as energy permitted and set up some XMas decorations. Allowed myself to “feel” my body and focus on what is going on.
Things are healing up for awhile. I’ll have a few months and it will start up again. That’s the pattern. I hate it when it seems that I am an invalid… so much so that I don’t notice the signals until “it” gets close. If I worried about every little body glitch all the time, I’d have been dead years ago.
Think about tomorrow… make plans, and just keep on trucking (until the truck runs out of gas), and then refuel and do it again.
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — December 4, 2008 @ 3:34 am
Thinking good thoughts for positive news for you from the doc today.
Comment by Delta — December 15, 2008 @ 6:49 am
Alas I couldn’t make it to the Doctor today. Weather front moved in and I went down like the Hindenberg just like last Thursday.
Doc Oc will get to probe my body on Wednesday.
Now I go to get my new ‘puter put together and put some lights on the tree.
Comment by Morwen Madrigal — December 15, 2008 @ 7:42 pm
Hope the report was a good one.
Comment by Delta — December 17, 2008 @ 6:51 pm