Gentilly Girl- a part of the 99%

January 18, 2008

The Nightmare Returns

Filed under: Aside,LGBT,Trans-Feminist — Tags: , , — Morwen Madrigal @ 7:22 pm

Most of us have had bad things happen in our lives. I’ve seen bodies shattered by disease, corpses with their brains blown out… homeless people frozen to death in front of heated buildings. I seem to be able to deal with those things intellectually and emotionally, but I am powerless when facing my own demons.

Usually I can keep them in the background… hidden, leashed, but the other night they escaped my control, and I scared the Hell out of very good friend. Thank goodness Betts was there to drag me to the car and get me home. I’ve been a basket case since then, but I finally got the clue that I had been searching for: the “Dark Lord”.

That’s what the man who raped me for 8 hours 24 years ago called himself. He slipped me a mickey whilst we were watching a movie, and I woke up to being chained to eyebolts in a floor and laying on a filthy mattress. During all that time, outside of the pain he delivered, I was constantly wondering when and how he would kill me. Would my body be found in a dumpster or China Basin?

He let me go in the late morning. Congratulated me for entering the Gay lifestyle. All I could think of was that I’m not Gay. “Power over another”. I remained holed up in my apartment for a week crying, and then got the courage up to go back out into the World and try to live. (My rapist died four years later of AIDS, and though I visited and helped many of the boys who were dying of the same disease, I never entered his room. I couldn’t find it within me to show any form of kindness to him.) The power of forgiveness wasn’t coming through my soul.

I thought that I had dealt with this shit years ago, but I didn’t realize that this was riding piggy-back on the events of 50 years past. Genital mutilation, negation of beingness, all in the name of societal norms. I can still see them coming for me, to lay me on a cold stainless steel table and then they start carving my body apart so that I would fit their visions of normalcy. I couldn’t speak… had no power. All I could do is lay there and take the injustice that they did to my body.

The rape was a violation of my body, but this earlier event was a violation of my very being. Right now I’m feeling the physical and emotional pain of the first year of Life. Somehow I’ll get through this. Finally I’m not letting intellect to deal with this. I’m using my heart, and it really hurts.

I have many friends around the world that are victims of these treatments. I’ve watched them struggle with the same memories and then become themselves. I guess it’s my turn to face the demon and slay it. This isn’t going to be easy, but it must be done. The nightmare cannot eat my soul.

I refuse to live under the dictates of others. I will not let the bastards win. This is MY LIFE. My friends, my world. I see a Sun shining on the flowers in my garden, and I will again be the blythe spirit that I entered this incarnation as. My World will be filled with Light, Life and Love. Friends are around… there’s so much to do and learn.

This coming March I won’t be 51… it’s MY first B’Day. I’m reclaiming my life.

Brothers and sisters, “the Sleeper has awoken”. It’s a new day.

January 3, 2008

Fifty Years ago…

Filed under: Aside,LGBT — Tags: , — Morwen Madrigal @ 5:02 pm

They made decisions and carved me apart. I was 6 to 9 months old. I laid on an operating table… I was scared to death. I was just a baby.

Then they flipped a freakin’ coin. I, who was born with all the girl and boys parts was to be a male. My vagina was sewn up. They took skin off my thigh in order to create an urethra. All my life I have hurt… been confused, and I wanted to be tortured. I spent 13 years with nightmares every night. (Mom and Dad would come when I woke up screaming.)

Thank the Goddess that the Interesexed Socieiy has convinced  the doctors to give us years in which to identify as to which gender we belong. Then we can be treated properly, as befits our choices. We finally have our voice.
I never had that. I thought I was a Transsexual. I made my decision to Transition, but after the Flood, I learned the truth from my Aunt. It has been one of the fucking god-damned realities in my life. Someone else made a decision for me… I was “assigned”. It wasn’t how I saw myself.
I’m writing this, telling you this because I’m one out of a thousand children. The fuck-up of our current culture makes folks like me more common. We have contaminated this world with chemicals. None of you have any idea how many of our kind are coming in the Future. And you know what? We didn’t ask for this shit.  Our lives are affected, and we suffer.

I’m not making a pity party here, I’m just stating the reality of some people’s lives. It took me 45 years to look at the truth. It took a shotgun in front of my face to get me to see the reality. The Goddess and my girlfriends saved me. They saved me and I made a promise: Battle or war, I will be there. I will fucking fight. I am the phouka’s own welp.

All of this is coming about because I’m going through it. I’m feeling the surgeries. I’m feeling embarressed. It’s taking everything I have to get through this crap.

I’m smart, and I am better than this.

January 1, 2008

The New Year

Filed under: Aside,LGBT,New Orleans,Trans-Feminist — Tags: , , , — Morwen Madrigal @ 2:43 pm

The New Year, 2008… The pork loin is cooking, the black-eyed peas are done, the cabbage will be done later.

Our return to the house is three weeks away. I’m trying to figure out how we move back into our home.

I’m tired. Just got over a cold. I have no energy. Cooking New Year’s dinner right now. Have friends coming over.

I’m tired.

And I have a battle to fight for my community… this year will see our fight for our rights as Trans folk. It is time for us to get our protections and our rights. I have my rights, my life, but my sisters need their safe places too.

Now this is the battle for 2008. And I’m tired, but I can’t stand away from the fray. I have New Orleans to fight for and I have my brothers and sisters to protect.This may mean going to D.C. I’m not up for this. I need back-up.

So this is my New Year…  and I’m tired.

December 24, 2007

The Reindeer Are Coming…

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Tags: , — Morwen Madrigal @ 4:46 pm

Betts and I would like to wish everyone Merry Christmas.

Tonight we go to have our annual Christmas Eve Dinner at La Cote Brasserie. (I’ll be sleeping withy visions of seafood in my dreams tonight.)

December 18, 2007

Toys For Tots, and Mental Wanderings

Filed under: Aside,Memories — Tags: , — Morwen Madrigal @ 5:09 am

For over twenty years I was heavily involved in the Toys For Tots programs in S.F. and Indiana. Being “The Bookseller”, and having great kid’s sections, I’d always bring a range of books to cover the development years to these drives. This year I returned to the fold.

Saturday evening we took a friend out for his B-Day dinner (he’s had four at last count) and he was too tired to go with us to the bar or stay and watch a movie with us. Betts and I decided that we NEEDED to get OUT of the hovel, so we just made our way down to the Starlight so we could have some peaceful talking with friends and drinking time before the show started… yes, Drag shows which we normally don’t do because the music is so damned loud that your brain cells die.

We finally find a parking place, walk into the bar and realize we forgot it was Toys For Tots night. It started with a Magic show and then proceeded to… fuck me! A Drag show for the kiddies. (We LGBT folks are funny that way) It was one of the best, funniest things I’ve witnessed here in the City of Oddness. And since we, in our total involvment about getting out of the hovel and into our REAL HOME, totally forgot was going down that night. The acts were so good and hilarious we tipped the performers well and watched as they stuffed the money jar for more toys for the little ones. It was tres kewl… we got to help bring a smile to some little faces this Season.

Now we have invites for the Pub on Wednesday for their Toys For Tots gig, and we decided that we would bring some toys this time. This evening past saw us crawling into Walmart, beat from having to go check on wall tile for the baths only to hear that, “This line is discontinued”, other materials shit too, but we did buy the side lights for the Dining room.

An aside Gentle Readers: after spending twenty years in RETAIL HELL, I don’t go to stores that don’t sell food, catz stuffs or hardware during this time of year. I hate the shopping frenzy that goes on between T-Day and X-Mas, but… we were buying toys (and getting a small ham) for kids (or is that kidz, or spawn? *NOLA Blogger term*)

So we enter the Toy section (one year Betts ran a Toy section. In a different year I spent five weeks being Santa in a freakin’ sleigh… OUTSIDE in a Jersey winter), and I’m totally lost. Aisle after aisle of toys that are all about TV shit. Both of us wanted to get Gender-neutral toys (no guns or other weapons, thank you). What to get? And then it hit me: these toys are for kids who’s families don’t have spare money for dolly costumes or a construction man kit that requires the parents provide a bulldozer… accessories are expensive, as are the batteries to power the devices that make them speak or move. Most of the time this crap breaks. Soon the toy will lose it’s attraction.
So we agreed on getting things for the little ones, ya’s know: four and younger. We searched the aisles. I wanted to get a bag of blocks, and Betts wanted to find something else. She found a darling Pooh Bear and I found a good set of blocks. We took the toys, and the ham, to the checkout counter and got the Hell out of there.

Here’s my point in all of this: when it comes to tots, they are little, and all the modern gizmos mean little to these tykes. A bear that can be cuddled (without the use of batteries), or a set of building blocks that don’t require motors or power sources are the building blocks of imagination, creativity… learning and caring. These are the types of toys I remember as a child. (Later my folks gave me the Chemistry set they sat upon for years… I blew a hole out of my bedroom once. I used my money from mowing lawns to be able to buy more chemicals… )

BTW- my folks asked me what I wanted when I was eight, and I answered “nothing but Sir Hoyle’s book on Astronomy please” (they had given me a small telescope the year before). It was $40 back in the mid-Sixties (very expensive to our family), 400 pages, 2/3ds of which were physics I didn’t understand… I told them I wanted nothing else… no toys or a bike, nothing but that book. That was my gift that year. They had stirred the interests that helped lead me out of my family’s poverty and into a new world. I wound up becoming a Nuclear Engineer who went into History and Cultural Studies. I “owe” my life to those two crazy people who honored my desires. Their actions opened multiple universes for me.

Where I’m going with this is that: through programs such as these, we donors can help “prod” a child’s future. Creativity and caring when they are little, and informative and challenging as they get older. It is our gifts to them… and they should never be financially challenging to the families. These gifts should be for learning and challenging. To love and to learn.

These are the kind of gifts that create Humanity and inspire the older ones to aspire to something different. Isn’t that what this is all about?

And please, please, please help with these programs. The Future is in their hands.

Enjoy the Season of Lights, and Be Blessed!

December 8, 2007

Good Music

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 3:34 am

Hie thy tushies to Fritzels (733 Bourbon St.) this Sunday at 8 PM.

Lisa Lynn is celebrating her third album that night. If you like blues you just have to hear this woman…

December 6, 2007

Does Size Matter at Christmas?

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 12:35 am

I refuse to use the term Christmas for this time of year. I prefer the Season of Lights because many cultures celebrate during this time of year, especially those folk derived from the Northern Hemisphere. I play the game for many festivities, but Yule is the only thing sacred to me. Yule is my time to remember certain things and see things that have real meaning in my life.

This poop over “public displays” always bores me, but I’m always open to new stupidities.
Now, coming out of Long Island, NY is one of the most obscene stories on this topic for a very long time: The Jewish folk have a bigger Menorah than the Christmas tree. (The Xtians see this as a diss at Christianity… I’m just seeing it as they were cheap and didn’t provide the funding.)

The celebrations of Mid-Winter are personal and sacred… don’t intrude upon the beliefs of others.

‘Nuff said, and have a wonderful holiday season.

November 21, 2007

Turkey Day ’07

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 6:57 pm

Once again the day comes round where I’ll be cooking for a day and a half to prepare one meal. For the second year in a row our traditional Orphan’s Bird Day will be very small… maybe four extra folks instead of our previous productions.

The bird is soaking in a citrus brine, the cranberries are waiting to become part of a conserve, coleslaw needs to whipped up, and the potatoes need to be boiled. (Betts is doing the stuffing since “I’m too stingy with the butter”.)

So a breaker pops in the electrical “system” that is part of this hovel we are stuck in ’til we get back into our house, and in the dark I’m confronted by a large white rabbit… looked hungry so’s I tossed him a few carrots. He gobbled them up right away. This is just very odd. I’m going to have to ponder the Totemic meanings of this. And a Full Moon is coming.

There are Great Egrets in the courtyard of the Gentilly house, parrots flying over Sugar Hill and a damn white rabbit shows up here. (Could this be a flashback from the days when I lived in the Haight-Ashbury? I can’t remember…)

Looks like Winter is going to be different from the norm. *rolls eyes, shakes head slowly*
And for y’all out there, have a good Thanksgiving tomorrow. Don’t stress out, that’s the cook’s job. Be careful driving out and around… there are people crazier than those of us with NOLA as our bloodtype.


November 14, 2007

Another Reason To Nuke Puerto Rico

Filed under: Aside,New Orleans — Tags: — Morwen Madrigal @ 10:43 pm

Some very disgusting news from the AP.

Understand my feelings here: I have killed chickens, dressed a few pigs, rounded up cattle for the slaughter house, dressed more than my share of fish and crustaceans (it was feeding our family), but never have I been a party to such barbarity as what is going down in P.R. This is totally out of line, and the Goddess shall pay back to these perpetrators exactly what their worthless and inhumane souls deserve.

November 12, 2007

Crescent City Stories

Harry Shearer is still plugging away for New Orleans. These are wonderful vignettes of life post-Federal Flood here in the city.

I read everything that Harry writes about the area, but I missed this, so thanks to Chris Rose for the heads-up. I cried through all of them… tears of Joy.

I love New Orleans.

Once again, it’s Sinn Fein.

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