Most of us have had bad things happen in our lives. I’ve seen bodies shattered by disease, corpses with their brains blown out… homeless people frozen to death in front of heated buildings. I seem to be able to deal with those things intellectually and emotionally, but I am powerless when facing my own demons.
Usually I can keep them in the background… hidden, leashed, but the other night they escaped my control, and I scared the Hell out of very good friend. Thank goodness Betts was there to drag me to the car and get me home. I’ve been a basket case since then, but I finally got the clue that I had been searching for: the “Dark Lord”.
That’s what the man who raped me for 8 hours 24 years ago called himself. He slipped me a mickey whilst we were watching a movie, and I woke up to being chained to eyebolts in a floor and laying on a filthy mattress. During all that time, outside of the pain he delivered, I was constantly wondering when and how he would kill me. Would my body be found in a dumpster or China Basin?
He let me go in the late morning. Congratulated me for entering the Gay lifestyle. All I could think of was that I’m not Gay. “Power over another”. I remained holed up in my apartment for a week crying, and then got the courage up to go back out into the World and try to live. (My rapist died four years later of AIDS, and though I visited and helped many of the boys who were dying of the same disease, I never entered his room. I couldn’t find it within me to show any form of kindness to him.) The power of forgiveness wasn’t coming through my soul.
I thought that I had dealt with this shit years ago, but I didn’t realize that this was riding piggy-back on the events of 50 years past. Genital mutilation, negation of beingness, all in the name of societal norms. I can still see them coming for me, to lay me on a cold stainless steel table and then they start carving my body apart so that I would fit their visions of normalcy. I couldn’t speak… had no power. All I could do is lay there and take the injustice that they did to my body.
The rape was a violation of my body, but this earlier event was a violation of my very being. Right now I’m feeling the physical and emotional pain of the first year of Life. Somehow I’ll get through this. Finally I’m not letting intellect to deal with this. I’m using my heart, and it really hurts.
I have many friends around the world that are victims of these treatments. I’ve watched them struggle with the same memories and then become themselves. I guess it’s my turn to face the demon and slay it. This isn’t going to be easy, but it must be done. The nightmare cannot eat my soul.
I refuse to live under the dictates of others. I will not let the bastards win. This is MY LIFE. My friends, my world. I see a Sun shining on the flowers in my garden, and I will again be the blythe spirit that I entered this incarnation as. My World will be filled with Light, Life and Love. Friends are around… there’s so much to do and learn.
This coming March I won’t be 51… it’s MY first B’Day. I’m reclaiming my life.
Brothers and sisters, “the Sleeper has awoken”. It’s a new day.